Notes from Lumbini

The following essay is available as a PDF download - Notes from Lumbini.

In December 2010, I closed my psychotherapy practice and moved out of the office where I had sat with clients for twenty years.

Not one to let the grass grow beneath his feet, I had begun to prepare my clients for this moment months earlier. Thus, within two short weeks after closing my office, I was on my way to Lumbini, Nepal, where I participated in a two month Vipassana meditation retreat with U Vivekananda. 

Previously, I had taken a one month retreat at the Forest Refuge with “UV” in 2006, absolutely falling in love with his brilliant mind and the indefatigable energy that he gave so generously to his students. From that experience, I was quite hooked and decided to attend another one month retreat with him in Italy in 2008. The circumstances of my life had never allowed me to retreat in silence for more than one month each year since the three month retreats I had taken at Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts in 1988 and 1989. In the back of my mind, there was always this longing to once again sit for a longer retreat.

That opportunity finally came in December, and soon I was on my way to Nepal.

What follows is the journal that I wrote in Lumbini. Each time I read it, I am blown away. Meditators are asked to avoid reading and (perhaps especially) writing a lengthy journal at an intensive retreat. Not only because writing activates the conceptual thinking process, but, perhaps more importantly, it strengthens the fiction of “I am doing this,” the root cause of delusion (avijja) according to the Buddha. It is safe to say that  deconstructing this ingrained sense of ME is not only the goal of a two-month Vipassana meditation retreat in Nepal, it is the goal of any intensive Buddhist retreat, including Tibetan and Zen retreats as well. To put it delicately, intensive Buddhists retreats are a disguised form of boot camp. The one thing a young marine or meditation student must leave at home is the Ego, that is if one does not wish to have it badly damaged! So, a meditator running constantly to his room and writing “I hate this cold!” in his journal (as did I), will hardly dance easily toward deconstructing his or her ego! But, dear friends, we each do the best that we can do, and this VB, who was just weeks from his 69th birthday, clearly needed to process the extraordinary experience of being as far from the familiar and comfortable world of his psychotherapy practice in Long Beach as he could imagine. The only person to communicate this experience to was my own little self, there being no local post office in Lumbini, Nepal, and, if the downside was to solidify the delusion of a “Me” inside, the upside was that it truly helped to keep me sane! Perhaps writing has always served that purpose in my life.

This is not the inspiring journal of a “serious” religious seeker, or a brilliant thinker like Carl Jung who wrote about his amazing “confrontation” with the unconscious in the Red Book, nor is it the heroic notes of a man or woman going through the dark night of the soul. In fact, these notes are as ordinary and non-heroic as is this person writing now. The notes are funny (stop the presses) and almost painfully repetitious. One might ask, why go through such an ordeal for no apparent pay off? No big moment of enlightenment? I doubt one person in 10,000 would read these notes and think “I want to do that too.” But if you are curious about what it would be like to practice watching the rise and fall of the abdomen 24/7 for two months, or interested in reading U Vivekananda’s precise and excellent meditation instructions, not to mention his excellent Dharma talks, you will find some value here. And perhaps you will also find a few hidden gems along the way.

I have included a few photos which I took during the retreat as well as a few comments when they seem helpful.

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Notes from Lumbini

Singapore Chiangi Airport

Singapore!  Writing in this beautiful journal – gift of Peggy --- who bought it in Rome for VB.  

4 am,  January 13, 2010

Peggy is the gift. The trip has been easy so far.  We had to de plane in Tokyo, and go back through security to get back on. Made no sense really - - I guess this is the only way they could get us off so they could clean the plane and put a new crew on. The new crew was bright-eyed and bushy tailed – rather jarring for most of us who had just completed a 10 and a half hour flight from L.A. Then, the lights on V’s side of the plane would not turn off. I really longed for the dark; thank goodness I had thought to bring the eye shades from the trip to Italy. That plus ear plugs. Flight from Tokyo was another 7 hours – so altogether the actual flying time was 17 and a half hours.  I catnapped, particularly the last 9 or 10 hours.

Arrived at Singapore airport only to discover that the flight and gate number are not even posted until 5 AM. Walked around and discovered a wonderful lounge area – long corridor with chaise lounges –very comfortable, with beautiful green plants and little fountains. Every chaise was taken, but the moment I found the place a woman got up and left. So I have been here from 2 AM to now. It is the best and most considerate convenience for a traveler I have ever encountered. “Keep Calmly Knowing Change” a quote from Analayo’s wonderful book on Mindfulness, has been with me all this journey. And this is what it must be. Blessings and metta to all.

Kathmandu, January 14, 2010 3:30 AM

“Only when we gain some neutrality about pleasant formations are we able to find composure with the unpleasant ones.” (from a Dharma talk by U Vivekananda)

No words. None. The drive from the airport to Hotel Ganesh Himal was amazing to these old eyes. Total chaos – suffering, poverty, cars and motorcycles and bicycles racing in all directions – honking horns – everyone going where they are going. No red lights, a few policemen waving their arms as if to say “do your best.” At the airport, the men who pass you through customs have that Mafia look – leather jackets, etc. They are in charge for sure. I, of course, got in the wrong line three different times – each time not understanding the rules. Had to take a photo, etc.  $100 for a 3 month visa. Not bad.

Heater lights up the room twice as bright as a light bulb, but almost no heat. Room is chilly, dark. Hotel is chilly, dark. Walked looking for a heating coil, from storefront to storefront.  Unbelievably dirty – poor – one sees this is suffering. We pretty it up in Singapore, but it’s raw and open in Kathmandu. The dogs walk warily, and they know; it’s called survival.

Woke to an interesting dream about Marion Priestnal. I was saying (shouting) to her that everything she did for others was narcissistic. At the same time I really thought that what I was doing to help a guy in trouble was altruistic!  Deluded V.

Woke all night (from 7:30 pm to 3:30 am) trying to understand – to find some place of – equanimity?  No – that isn’t it – I think there has been equanimity all along. “Why am I doing this?” Also a certain “What is the point?” that feels more like investigation than undermining. One time I woke and truly grasped the meaning of “I’ll grant you that the Buddha knew, but I wont grant that he necessarily understood.” We try so hard  to understand – but knowing only comes from silence. So there are no words that could possibly capture the experience of lying here in this little hotel room – so near to the coming day and flying on to Lumbini.  

January 15 – 12:30 pm Lumbini

Got here around 7 pm last night (left LA Monday January 12). Vivekananda was finishing his dharma talk – place was completely dark – I did not have enough Nepali money and taxi driver could not make change for U.S. dollars. – fare was only $12 – seemed very reasonable to me. Night watchman let me in the outside gate while taxi guy waited outside. Nun loaned me $2 (I had $10). So that drama ended. At first, they would not allow the taxi into Lumbini park (the complex of monasteries) and I was supposed to take a rickshaw, but since I could not pay the driver, they finally allowed him to drive into the park. A big ta-do. Everything in Nepal is a big ta-do.

I have no idea how the taxi driver got my name at Bhairahawa airport – but he did and he took over, grabbed my suitcase and headed for the taxi. That was that. The drive through the night to Lumbini was out of a movie. Narrow paved two lane road – some places the pavement completely gone - he just flew – zigzagging past bicycles – oncoming motor bikes – tractors – cows wandering on the road  – horns honking, lights blinking on and off – big trucks, with colorful tassels dancing in the window, looming ahead threatening to smash us like a bug, driver suddenly veering completely off the road, and then back on without slowing down. How do these people not kill each other by the tens of thousands? And on the other side of the road – small fires burning brightly, people warming themselves around the fire – and this in the middle of nowhere. Where did all these people come from?  There was no town in sight – but the road was just teeming with bicycles – people walking – on their way home I guess.  It was a 40 minute drive with at least one hundred possible horrible accidents. But he got us to Lumbini – walled off – big gates and behind those high walls – the entire drama immediately dropped away to stillness and serenity.

Panditarama International Vipassana Meditation Center

Plane from Kathmandu (domestic terminal via Buddha Air) was as completely insane. Words escape me. I would love to skip going back to the hotel for the night when it is time to return – it is all so chaotic, loud, unpleasant – but there is only a two hour window between arriving from Bhairahawa and departing for Singapore.  So – give that one up VB.  And it is two months away.  No sense in fretting about that.

I discovered when I got to my room (night watchman gave me a little candle and box of matches) that it’s a huge room with three beds – at least it is spacious! The three beds are separated by as much as 15 feet – and there is one shared bathroom. But the good news was that I am the only occupant - that allowed me to settle in and unpack without disturbing anyone. Have no idea when the next meditator will arrive.

Bed was made up for me – I got in (first, sat for 30 minutes in the meditation hall) and was astounded. Mattress is cotton – perhaps one inch thick – hard as a rock. This on a wooden plank. Pillow is like a slab of stone. To top it off, they had provided a thin blanket (over the sheet) – and a thinner shawl on top of the blanket.  And it was cold! 40 degrees? Thank God I brought my yoga blanket. I wore sweats and socks. Oh! and no lights. I had the one small candle. 

There was no comfortable position on the mattress and I tried every conceivable possibility. I would lie on my right side until the hips and shoulders started to ache, then the left, then on the back, then front, and this went on for seven long hours. Never once did it really get to me! I started working with the awareness of nama (mind) and rupa (body)  - aware that the mind was what was so uncomfortable and on more than one occasion I reminded myself that in a matter of days I would have adjusted to the situation.   

This morning lights came on around 6 am (woke at 4 am, walked at 4:30, sat at 5 am). Very glad about the lights. I sat from 5 to 6, had breakfast – sat again from 7:30 to 9 and, again from 10 to 11 am. Had lunch and came here to write this.

In the meantime –I discovered that one of the cotton futons on one of the other beds looked a little plumper, maybe ½ inch thicker. With a little guilt for some future meditator – I switched futons – remade the bed. Found a nun after lunch and got two rather thick blankets. Not long enough but God knows a great improvement. Lay down to test the situation and it seems just enough better to lift my poor old heart. And, I forgot to mention my trusty green pillow I used on the long flight. So altogether I’m “a’duking and a’flying” as my mother used to say. (She learned it when she was a little girl in East Tennessee) 

Blessings to us all.

January 16 –

The duking and flying was short lived. Soon after writing yesterday, went to sit and became increasingly sick. Came back here – lay down – stomach began to hurt – at the same time began to get a cold. Vivekananda has a terrible one. V’s condition with belly was probably food, it eased after about 4 hours. Cold continues today. Among the myriad of things I did not pay attention to was toilet paper. Every thing made of paper seems at a premium here. I had absentmindedly put a tiny pack of kleenex in suitcase thank goodness. Just blew my nose into last tissue. No toilet paper until little store opens today. Not that I’ve needed it for the other end. No BM since I arrived. No wonder. Body is in shock.

No end of difficulties here. Lights continually go out. (Helped by V’s trying to plug in a little hot water pot. Each time I try, the lights go out.) Bathroom toilet leaks a flood of water on the floor each time I flush it – this in freezing cold. It’s the strangest bathroom I have ever seen. Water faucets everywhere. Altogether – this is so alien, uncomfortable, cold feeling beyond the temperature (very damp outside and inside). Yesterday, mind really wanted to flee. Thought of the difficulty of calling, changing flights, etc. – just thought “this is too extreme.”  And I haven’t even begun to figure out process for washing clothes – nor have I even thought about washing body. Not yet, not yet.

Noticed that I will have a roommate on the 20th – Ollie Cart from England. Funniest thing, I who crave privacy actually liked the idea of another human being in this space. Perhaps misery loves company. Sit this morning was so still. “Keep On” . .  he said.  What was the third word?  Sit was so still he could not remember – “Ah yes”  Keep Calmly Knowing Change. It’s quite a lot VB has put on his ice cold plate. But he remembers that one comes here to die. So it should be a pleasant experience?

- - - One of my favorite sayings of Chogyam Trumgpa is that no-one “kills” the ego. The best we can do is wear it out like an old shoe.

In the “life is good” category – I went outside with flashlight  - looked at all these switches on the porch – flipped what looked like a fuse and the lights came on! Voila!  Just for the hell of it (since I had now figured out how to get the lights back on) I tried the little water pot again and this time it did not cause the lights to go out. So I heated the water and sponged face and arms with lovely hot water from my coffee cup! Ah. Life is good he said.  (God help him.)

11:30 am after lunch – cold has gotten progressively worse – nose is constantly running and not one tiny sheet of any kind of tissue. At 9 am sit, V finally gave up – took off one of these marvelous insulated socks and blew nose in the sock off and on till lunch. Not to sit with one cold foot, I took off my glove and put it on the naked foot. What a sight. Bright red glove on one foot, pale green hat on head, dark green yoga blanket around body, plus light brown sweat suit. By the way, am well layered and relatively warm in meditation hall. They have four small heaters running – that is, in  those rare moments when the electricity is on. It’s been off since 10 am – so we ate in a cold, dark dining hall. Food was delicious – a noodle soup, sauteed green beans, rice, and excellent cauliflower dish. VB passed on two or three other cooked vegetables. There is no doubt that something he ate at lunch “done ‘em in” as Eliza Doolittle would have said.  

Now it is 1 pm. VB can buy toilet paper (thank God) and detergent. Very strong sits, and first concentrated walk. Yesterday I didn’t last after lunch – only sat after the dharma talk, around 8:30 pm. I think some talks are recorded which will be utterly impossible for me to hear. (No lips to read)

One final note. The really strange thing here is that I immediately started practicing yesterday am at 4:30. Vivekananda said for me to just recover from the long trip and let him know when I was ready to begin. I say this because it took me at least two weeks to recover when I sat with him in Italy, two years ago. Really, I was only beginning to gain energy the last two weeks of that month. This is how physically compromised I was in 2008. I remember that I could barely climb the stairs to my room. It was 5 flights and I had to stop and rest after 2 or 3 flights. Could not make it otherwise. Toby and Larry took a photo of VB the Sunday before he left for Italy – he looked so grey it was truly frightening to really see. There we all stood – laughing (during the social after the sit) and no one saw the stark truth, least of all me. In retrospect, I understand that no one could bear to see the truth of how dangerously low my energy was. 

Here it is two years later. VB is 68 – not 66 and he has this cold and some stomach issue probably, but he is able to sit for one hour minimum and some 1 ½ hour sits. Amazing to say, but in some significant way I have been learning to take better care of this energy.  Miracles still happen. 

1:23 – two more miracles – actually three. After writing – VB lay down – wrapped himself in these blankets and immediately nose stopped running. Slept for 30 minutes and temperature has gone up a little. Was that why cold abated a little? Who knows. Got up to get to the little – I mean little – it amounts to one filing cabinet in an empty room – dharma store.  Started shivering and the little brief uptick in weather was just that, all too brief.

Standing there (before going to little store) wearing these warm clothes from REI – VB asks, “now why have I been freezing my ass off with all these warm clothes in my room? Answer:  I took off  the sweater  – put light yoga pants on first – tucked snuggly into these insulated socks and put on a warm jacket over my “It’s not easy masquerading as a normal person” shirt -  Then the hooded jacket over that. 100% warmer!  It only took me three days to realize what layering really means. So, carrying approximately 100 pounds of extra weight, I went to the Panditarama  necessities store, bought a package of detergent – it will take the entire  pack for that one poor sock – a large box of mini packs of kleenex – and four rolls of toilet paper.

I never got the Be Prepared part of Boy Scouts. 

7 pm and that’s all she wrote.  Wanted to see if I could last through the 1 ½ hour sit – followed by the one hour dharma talk and 30 minutes chanting. This ends with ginger tea. Man. This after having been practicing mostly non-stop since 4:30 am.  All I could really do was  - well hard to say.  It was not an ordeal but there was nothing left in terms of energy to really practice. Then the dharma talk was recorded and I heard perhaps 10 per cent of it.  His famous, “Obbbviously not!”  and “Now.” I didn’t mind too much. I enjoy his vibes – so I just scooted against the wall and listened to sound. I love the long metta chant – and at last we got there – 2 ½ hours later.  Lovely voices, and VB started to join and the lights went out so I couldn’t read the words. I swear.  So – worked with this sense of self wanting its way, and relaxed and listened to the chant. It is so beautiful. 

Ginger tea (they call it juice) and tang.  Now VB is here and will soon pack it in – even though it is only 7:20 pm.   Little candle burning away –as are we all.

And thank you Alison for the bag of Ricola honey lemon cough drops.  They are vanishing swiftly.

January 17  7 am

Amazing – nothing stays the same, but I try to hold on to some sense of normalcy – sameness.  Now, I discover that I am bleeding. Bright red blood when I tried to have a BM a while ago. I wonder if this is related to the stomach pain experienced on Friday. Tummy hurts a little now. So here I am trying to deal with blood gushing forth from the nether lands of VB’s body – the toilet is flushing ice cold water all over the floor and I am dragging the bottom of my pants in the water.

Looking at the men (three of them) who work outside from sunup to sundown – constantly tending to the grounds – one guy gives me a big smile as I walk to the meditation hall in the early morning, I saw him yesterday morning about 4:30 am squatting in front of an open fire. And later in the day I never saw him take a break from working. Earning how much a day?

I thought what this room with it lights and ridiculous toilet would seem to him. A palace maybe. I think I’m roughing it and yet it’s all so relative isn’t it?  One final note as this Sunday begins. I think it is Saturday night in Long Beach? After lasting through 1 ½ hour sit and 90 minute dharma talk which I couldn’t hear and metta chant which I could not read because the lights went off – I had the hot ginger tea, so delicious, and came back to room and collapsed.  I knew it was too long, at least for now, but I couldn’t really make a rational decision to go back to the room early.  

So I got warm and cozy and found that every position hurt each shoulder and each hip – I mean fairly intense pain. But VB sticks to his plans let it be said. So I tossed and turned and turned and tossed for 7 hours. Perhaps I could have done yoga, although it was probably too cold. Perhaps I could have sat here. Probably. But I just kept trying and trying to go to sleep. I would swear that I never once fell asleep until 3:30 am when in fact I managed to fall asleep and missed the damn bells at 4 am. They are loud!

But it is likely that I did sleep during some of those 7 hours – how else can one explain the fact that I had flown to Kathmandu and was helping create a new Nepalese government and constitution. We divided the government into three units – the army – and an executive and judicial unit. I told them that the only way this was going to work was for them to have the courage to trust each other. They didn’t seem to understand, so I kept trying to persuade them – and of course I kept flying back and forth between Kathmandu and Lumbini while trying to fall asleep. It was a very busy 7 hours! Blessings upon us all.

12:30  Sunday 17th

Our rest period after lunch is 30 minutes. That’s right. 30 minutes. I lay down, closed my eyes and was sound asleep in approximately 5 seconds.  “More! More!” my mind screamed – “let me sleep another 30 minutes.” But I’ve been down this road before – and for sure would have slept another hour or more.  So – on to the afternoon sit. First interview with the Bhikkhuni Bhadda Manika, whom I liked instantly.  (She was the one who loaned me $2 when I arrived at the gate.)  She is gentle, centered, kind and an earth mother. I told her about the toilet flooding, and she had the appropriate look of concern - - - “but,” she says – “there is only one plumber in all of Lumbini” and she has no idea when he will come to Panditarama. “There are problems all over the compound.” No kidding.

She reminded me (she had read my emails to Vive) that I was very concerned about a two week retreat here – coming in a few weeks. The main teacher (from Kathmandu?) is coming here and the place will be packed with Nepalese taking the retreat. She was concerned about my reaction and hoped that I would have established a strong practice by then so it would not disturb me. I had completely forgotten about that retreat, good merciful Lord.  U Pandita is coming from Burma for a retreat here with his Katmandu students. Now I sat with him 30 years ago and did not exactly like him! So I had initially planned on coming here for one month only, but then I decided to make it two months and just handle the two week’s interruption  – thinking that after one month the two week’s mini retreat would not be that unsettling.

My mood goes up and down with the weather. When it seems as if the frigid spell may be breaking, I feel a little better. Then it dips back down and I walk around fantasizing getting on a plane and getting the hell our of here. It’s fascinating to watch – there is no doubt in my mind that this is a far more serious undertaking than I could allow myself to grasp.

Monday, January 18  7:30 am

It looks like rain. In a play, that would be a laugh line at this point. The lights went out in the entire complex at about 4:30 am. so we had breakfast in 40 degrees  - with little candles bravely trying to give a little light if not warmth. So V has sort of extended his range in the room  – from the bed – to a low table next to the bed. I have a candle lit and I sat for about 30 minutes after breakfast, in front of the table. And yes – it looks like rain. I don’t have words to describe the mental ups and downs – the degree to which I buy into each change. It’s stunning. Yesterday afternoon – I was certain that this is just wrong for me. Absolutely nothing is “right” from my perspective, and by the way, I may be developing a hemorrhoid. Even the inability to listen to a dharma talk contributes to this complete “stranger in a strange land” feeling. I suppose I expected some stronger connection to Vivekananda also. (First interview with him is this morning.)  But really – very little to say about that, and much to say that will go unspoken.  

At breakfast as we all sat huddled in the darkened dining hall with flickering candles, I thought of how this would have been completely normal only a few hundred years ago. As we sat in silence – we could have been transported back hundreds and hundreds of years.  That would not include the REI  sweats I am wearing.

So what I have thought about today – actually last night after some clarity came back – how I am facing my own sermons. How many times have I repeated to others Krishnamurti’s saying that we must accept what is. And I found myself yearning to be led from the unreal to the Real.

And I saw that ultimately everything really is a mind game: It’s Your Mind Stupid.  I believe all these silly thoughts and feelings because they are “me.”

11:50 am  Sitting on second bed (where I stole the futon) – listening to little Chinese electric pot heating up water. I may sponge bath a little. Of course the lights may go out in a matter of minutes, then I wont have deal with it. This bed is along a window. My bed is in a windowless alcove – no doubt a couple of degrees warmer than the two beds next to windows.

Yep. The lights went out – I wondered why the pot had stopped its gurgling sound and for an insane moment actually thought it had just completed its cycle. Got some toilet paper to blow nose  - the paper was almost completely wet – the humidity in this place must be unbelievable. Window is covered in dew. There is mold everywhere – looking at the blackened area at the top of the walls in the meditation hall, he just looks and thinks, “hummm.” 

So this is the Perfect Storm. It really is. Everything I dislike and almost nothing of what is comforting - -  all here. It has triggered a bouquet of hindrances – aversion to everything,  of course, from restlessness, agitation and far, far worse friends, skeptical doubt. That one kills the soul. Interestingly, (from VB’s perspective) there has been very little judgment, criticizing. For instance, VB asked for a Kuti (little private buildings, “huts” big enough for a bed, desk plus a bathroom).  And there is clearly a pecking order with Vivekananda’s long term students, and with the notable exception of this one, everyone walks at an astoundingly slow pace.  My shadow (Frank I call him) would be all over the place by now.  One suspects that he is so traumatized by the cold, he has not warmed up enough to come out of his shell yet.

At any rate, that is just an interesting and rather new aspect of this VB.

So he is writing this during the rest period after lunch. One remembers that yesterday he fell to sleep immediately and deeply. Perhaps adjusting to the time at least a little. He did sit yesterday after lunch but decided not to do the long ordeal of the 4:30 to 7 (and beyond) sit, dharma talk and chant. Wanting if possible to stay awake a little longer rather than going to bed at 7:15 as with last night. Took a second nap at 3:00 -  good sleep and woke a 4 – walked, wrote whatever and sat at 5:00 – a one hour sit, again dharma talk was impossible to hear. VB needs hearing aids! Metta chant was lovely, but no lights so again he could not read words.  (Tonight, take flashlight VB!)

Point is – this all helped extend awake time and I was able to sit after ginger juice time and probably got to bed around 8:30 pm. Way to early still and it isn’t clear that I even needed to sleep. But when it is pitch dark, freezing cold, and one is completely alone one just cannot face another sit – all that’s left (for this one) is to sleep.

Unfortunately – the exact same thing happened – tossed and turned – right hip Ouch – left hip Ouch – right shoulder Ouch – left shoulder Ouch.  Peggy asked me if I was going to have surgery on my rotator cuff tear (if there is one). I thought it was a ridiculous question.  As ridiculous as getting a Hearing Aid!

So --- I would swear I never slept at all last night, and this time I was not flying back and forth to Kathmandu working to help create a new government. Instead, I had this extremely odd job – which I  performed all night. Apparently, I had been hired by the Indian government to help integrate new workers into the work force. Five at a time. Quite a hard job because there were only a few job openings – and it was especially difficult for people with no qualifications – but i seemed quite optimistic and got each bunch of 5 employed – group after group. No wonder I got no sleep!

That just about brings this journal up to date.  I had my first interview with Sayadaw Vivekananda at 9:30 am. He is precious, and there is no wonder his students are so devoted to him. I had already started “individuating” from him at the end of the retreat in Italy. So there is no attachment to the fact that I am not exactly the apple of his eye. It’s nice. I just enjoyed his energy and who he is. There was little to “interview” in terms of meditation work. I told him that I had not experienced this much aversion in years and years and I discovered that it was impossible to work on concentration of body sensations – instead I’ve been working with the mental – noting the hindrances, etc. This he agreed with – and we both joked about anicca.  He said this is a perfect place to work with the reality of impermanence. And I asked if I could move up front during the dharma talk. And that is all – except  - he gives his interviews in what is called the Ordination Hall – a new building (2006) a few hundred yards from the main meditation hall, the dining room, and the the dorm buildings. Beyond the Ordination Hall are the Kutis which are arranged around lily ponds. I’ve never walked there although it is only a few steps away. So as I reached the Ordination Hall this morning- I saw towering behind it – just over the walls of this compound – a (huge Korean) monastery under construction - towering grey roofs – beautiful and extremely impressive – and for the first time since I arrived I became aware of a Lumbini that exists just beyond these walls, I arrived at night, and saw nothing beyond this compound. For sure I’ll plan on taking some photos a day before leaving.  

And one final thing – no – two final things. Someone just pecked on the door, and Lo and Behold it was the Lone Lumbini Plumber.  He had an air of importance (fitting his title) that is for sure – with an assistant, etc.

I think it was a simple matter – at least it seems so – he only stayed 10 minutes or so, and the flooding toilet is fixed.  For today.

One other thing.  As i woke this am (after getting off my job of helping people get work) it was 2:30 am. By my count that was 2:30 pm Sunday afternoon in Long beach. Patricia and Peggy and probably Cali were getting ready for Sensei Ryodo. I got up and went to the meditation hall – no one there of course. Thankfully, electricity was on for a while so I turned on a light and a heater and sat with LBM. It was absolutely lovely. And that is all.

8:05 pm  We have lights on tonight.  By any account this has been a rare day. After writing that long “catch up” entry – he went to the 1 pm sit. no reason to expect it to be better or worse – but in fact it was perhaps the strongest sit VB has experienced since the Italy retreat or perhaps even the one at Forest Refuge in ’07.  (I call these “Path sits” because it feels as if  one is being completely led – as if a power takes over and one just hangs on for the ride.)  VB sat for 2 hours – the sit seemed to develop in phases – deeper and deeper.  There were some reincarnation images (ancient mud-like beings) Ramakrishna appeared – tears. Sense of direction changed, breathing felt like it was coming from the “spiritual body” in front of actual physical nostrils.  Words just belittle the experience – they would have to do that. Walked for one hour after – one moment standing on steps waiting for someone to step up into the Hall – one experienced the body as it really is – no shape - like light moving through space – walked with awareness spread evenly – opened eyes at a noise and saw meditator passing by with a big plastic bucket.  “Oh,” mind thought.  “They put up a notice that we can get hot water to use to bathe after 2:00 pm every day.”  Immediately awareness came that this was a thought, and how that little episode of thinking and figuring something out had taken one out of the experience of being with and walking with ”what is.”  We do it relentlessly – thinking, figuring things out – and are not available for the experience of the moment.

A remarkable day – another recorded dharma talk – V moved his cushion near to the little IPod set up – but Vive talks so fast and drops long phrases – and talks so softly – it was no go. His voice was much more vigorous three years ago at the Forest Refuge. A significant change. The talk lasted 90 minutes – it was that pedantic Theravada style  - going over where a monastery should be situated, etc. I remember how hard it was for VB even in Italy (when i could still hear him) – i struggled with aversion, sometimes lost the battle, sometimes a draw. Tonight i remembered the little insight this afternoon and silently said “One must be completely available for the experience.”  It made all the difference in the world.

After the metta chant – started to leave but sat back down with many tears in eyes – looking at everyone slowly getting up and mindfully walking to the door.  “Ah” he seemed to say.  “I know this. It is a Vipassana Retreat.”  Could have been anywhere on earth and i felt at home.

2:30 am woke 3:00 walked 3:30 – 5:00  sat 5:00 walk 6 breakfast  7:00 walk 7:30 journal 8 – 9 am sit 9:00 journal 9:30 sit 10:30 interview with Vive 11 lunch 12 pm rest and wrote in journal 1– 3pm “Path sit” 3 – 4 walk 4:30 – 5:30 sit 5:30 – 7 pm recorded dharma talk and metta chant 7 pm ginger tea  7:30 – 8:30 sit 9 sleep

January 19 – Tuesday morning – 9:30 am

A second “Path sit” this am from 4:30 to 6 am. Now the energy is way down – body/ mind is in process mode perhaps.  (These two sits took enormous energy.)  Do not want to write about second sit.  Cold is still lingering – although it is only an occasional coughing spell – continue to blow nose – going through a lot of Kleenex – from the sound of it – so are many meditators.  The combination of cold and damp probably makes it difficult to throw this off. 

On the bright red blood front – i have continued to bleed each time i  try to have a BM – last try this morning. Stomach feels a little queasy – a little uncomfortable, but not to the degree that it feels worrisome. VB has had episodes like this many times – particularly when there is a drastic change in food. He thought it was wise to order vegetarian on the plane but it turned out to be very spicy Indian and that was for a number of meals. Had a salad at hotel in Kathmandu, assuming it is safe – but in retrospect – wonder about how thoroughly they wash the veggies.  At any rate – the real stomach ache came after the first meal here – which was pretty spicy – and since then very minimal BM and three episodes of blood. To be continued . . .. 

Am really really tired now.  Mind is bright, awake, but he has been through an extraordinary 24 hours and it will take time for body/mind to recover.  Blessings on us all.  I share the merits of this practice with all my dear relations.

11:45 am  Ollie Cart arrived a day early. He is perhaps 25 – English and at least 6’5” or taller.  Nun says he was here for 3 months – flew home for Christmas and is back for an extended stay – 4 to 5 more months. The news is – they put him in the middle dorm building with someone else.  So VB still has a private room.  And – this is probably the coldest day since arriving. As i write i am sitting on 2nd bed (sans mattress – piled it on top of other one since no Ollie) with wool blanket on the wooden platform. Even with the little pillows it’s hard on the behind. Blanket folded over legs. Brown wool shawl over V’s head and shoulders. Yoga blanket over the shawl. Knitted scarf around neck (someone knitted it and put it in dana basket at our last All Day retreat) red gloves and very warm REI sweats with hood up. Oh, and underneath hood is green wool hat – V has had since retreat in Barre 1988.  It’s cold outside but warm in here!

January 20, Wednesday 7:30 am

Sat from 4:30 to 6:00 Lights went off late last night and have never returned – so breakfast was a little late. Usually they gong at 5:50. Speaking of gong’s – they ring it nine times at 4 am. At about the same time a huge gong from the nearby monastery sounds and it is like serious. Huge and deep, reverberating as if to say, “Pay attention!  This is serious!  Against our little gong outside the dining hall, it is a rather funny duet. 

Sayalay Bhadha Manika is the nun i interviewed with yesterday.  i like her a lot although that just proves that Mr. Ego lives to fight another day.  (“Let go of picking and choosing and the way is not difficult.”)  She said that there is so much moisture in the air that the sun cannot break through. Every morning the grounds are quite wet – windows are covered in mist – at first I thought it was rain – but no. So by noon it begins to warm up a little as the sun tries to break through. This is not like the Long Beach mode of the sun burning off the morning marine layer.  Here it never really breaks through – since I’ve been here the sky is invariably grey – thick and mostly dark – but by mid-day at least the sun is able to warm us up 5 degrees or so. It is a crucial 5 degrees, the breath does not become vapor.  I just blew out breath through the mouth, as I sit looking out the window - yes indeed, vapor.  It is so interesting – one is so accustomed to it by now that it does not even seem odd.

All of this to say absolutely nothing.  Dharma talk last night was live – it was Sayalay Bhadmanika – she kindly asked me if I could hear her as she began. I did not have the heart to say “no” so i just smiled and nodded yes. The lights came on about halfway through her talk, and it was quite noticeable how much more I could comprehend since i could read her lips. In part, i am reluctant to write more here, it is only ego and discriminating consciousness from here on – but let it be said:  She read her dharma talk, word for word. One solid hour. It was well written, her tone was deliberate and she spoke very well. She talked about the fourth foundation of mindfulness (dharmas) which is what our Wednesday night group studied and she focused primarily on the 5 hindrances. VB listened w/o judgment, but here is a grown, very intelligent teacher talking about the most elementary teaching and people are taking notes like mad. VB wonders what the Korean master is talking about just a few feet over the wall. (the grass is greener?)  Here it is Satipatthana 24/7.

But let it be said that at the 4:30 sit this am VB spent most of the 1st hour watching the rise of objects and the corresponding rise of awareness – it was more distinct and one understands that the more one sees a mental object rising as nothing more than that – (nama) it certainly helps deconstruct this illusion of me as subject. Vipassana is very powerful.  The sit was extremely so – insights came from watching and there were moments of seeing the difference between the consciousness of an object and the pure witness behind.  Quite amazing.

another 2 hour sit (8 to 10 am).  11:45 rest period till 12:30.  Lunch today was typical of previous 6 days. There is always soup. Today’s soup was a broth with cabbage and thin slices of carrots and the corkscrew noodles. Moderately spicy, quite delicious. They bring individual bowls to the table (4 people at a table).  Always rice, of course. Perfectly cooked. We place the food on large tinplates – sautéed cauliflower with broccoli and tomatoes. Greens cooked in something like olive oil. Sauteed pieces of green pepper, carrots, tofu and one vegetable I did not recognize. They also had a bowl of small green grapes and slices of apples.Very simple, very frugal each day. But each meal has been delicious and carefully planned.  Breakfast is fairly standard – usually 2 or 3 kinds of grain, corn flakes, etc – a cooked concoction of something similar to oatmeal. Homemade bread with butter, jam, cheese slices. Hot milk – Nescafe instant coffee, and tea bags. Usually sliced apples, peeled, and small bananas from the banana trees within the compound. Ginger juice with tang and honey at 7 pm. 

Another VB mistake, the 4:30 period is actually walking meditation, not a sitting period.  That makes more sense - walking for an hour before the 5:30 dharma talk. 

Bhikkihuni’s advice, “Be self-encouraging and sensitive to the level of mindfulness.” 

(Notes from Vivekananda’s  Dharma talk) 

“The universal cognitive error: We are each convinced that we process objectively. This is absurd. All we can do is process subjectively.” Four Guardian (Protection) Meditations: 1) Virtue of the Buddha 2)Thoughts of Lovingkindness. Hatred causes Metta to dry up. Metta is a protection against ill will. 3) Contemplation of body (seeing it for what it is rather than only the beautiful side).4) The reality of Death: one should contemplate this fact long before it happens. 

Important: Every shift of posture conceals the pain that is always there in the body. Finding a comfortable spot is at best temporary. Degree of penetration depends on concentration level. As concentration deepens we begin to notice more pain! 

U Pandita’s three strategies for working with pain: 1) focus on the center of the pain, 2) try to penetrate the center. Back away if it gets too intense - 3) try to look at it from a distance. Then if the mind relaxes sufficiently, go back to the center of the pain.

Saw this article  from a  Katmandu newspaper  pinned on the bulletin board. 

““Kathmandu, Nepal Nov. 20 2010 Emotional appeals to Nepalese officials by animal advocates around the world have not persuaded them to call a halt to the sacrifice of hundreds of thousands of animals and birds planned for November 24 and 25 at a village in Bara district in southern Nepal. Every 5 years slaughter in name of Hindu deity Gadhimai on the premises of Gadhimai Temple in the village of Barijapur is believed to be the largest ritual sacrifice anywhere in the world and draws thousands of visitors from India and Nepal.””

Yep. We are not in Kansas.  

(One day between January 20 and January 28 Vive rushed by to say in his intense and wonderful manner that I could now move into Kuti #9!  So I packed up my belongings and moved. As I recall 5 or 6  kutis circle a lovely lily pond filled with lotus blossoms. There are 3  separate groups of kutis circling 3 lily ponds.  The arrangement is intelligent and wonderful, giving one a feeling of seclusion even though the kutis are not a very long walk to the main meditation hall and dining room,  Also, by January 28 all digestion issues had gone away to my gratitude and relief, and the days grew gradually warmer week by week.)

Kuti #9

January 28  (mInd drifted in to dream like states during many sits yesterday.

Dharma talk on Mahasi’s technique of labeling: Pay attention to the state of mindfulness - is it sharp or dull? Recognize any wholesome mind states (are thoughts of Metta present?) Important: be aware of any objects rapidly occurring one after another.  Give microscopic attention to the rise and fall sensations of the abdomen. 

5pm - mind did not drift off as it did yesterday- but the sit seemed twice as long. Near the end of the sit the mind seemed to release a little - more concentration. 

January 29:  8 am sit I notice that the beginning middle and end phase of the rise is more clear - but I cannot really notice the end of the fall- it seems to blur into the beginning of the rise. This sit seemed to go much faster. Stayed focused on the rise and fall - body tends to slouch and he wants to straighten spine (getting out of slight pain). Good luck VB!

After lunch: VB is trying to achieve a steady - continuous state of mindfulness. “Expanding its territory” - an old Dharma talk on the Prayer of Jabez i gave years ago. The thing is, this is doable! How important that is! We are not asked to do something that is not within our present capacity.

5:30 pm sit - chills, a little piti (concentration) in the body. This was a different sit, body did not collapse or slouch as much, mind was unwilling to go into “fancy” states - thoughts about my sister came, and there was awareness that this was not “my sister” but an image in the mind, so the thought disappeared. Walking back to room watching mind. This is rare - usually its mind watching body - but when mindfulness gets sharp - it’s mind watching mind and it starts “reading each paragraph” (Krishnamurti’s teaching). 

January 31  2nd sit 8 am. Little insight occurred as I struggled to stay with noting rise and fall - realized that this is precisely what Ta Hui was doing when he insisted that his students stay with a koan. He said “you must consent to abandon your life. No one can wield the sword for you.”  I realized that abandoning your life is a willingness to give up control and surrender to the practice. Maybe we all want someone else to wield the sword for us. 

Thinking about the years and years of doing it “My Way.” Just the one month retreats at the Forest Refuge between 12 and 15 retreats?)  are more than most people can do in a lifetime. But they were always under some form of control. Gradual though it may be, there was always subtle control. So this is my first two month retreat in 20 years. Perhaps this is a new step in letting go. 

Relentlessly noting rise and fall is actually a form of relinquishing control (otherwise, why would we resist it so?) This V. did and noted non-stop for an hour and 15 minutes. It knocked V out of his psychological self, at least for a few minutes. But he could not sit beyond that hour and 15 minutes. Why? no answer to that.

12 noon - brief interview with Bhadha Manika - mostly spent in finding guy to come to Kuti #9 and see if he could figure out how to get the lights on. He was very sweet and of course I had not a clue what he was saying. I think I just tripped the fuse and if that is the case he probably fixed the problem. One little switch was down - so we shall see. 

Remember: “Do enough without vying, be living not dying. From wonder to wonder existence opens. Do not petals flutter down just like that?”  (Basso) 

January 31 - 1st sit. Mindfulness not sharp - sit seemed long although it was a short one. V was slow walking to hall. Relatively able to focus on R and F. Everything, every thing is what the mind makes up. It’s  all Mind Made. This is important, that is not. This has meaning, that does not. I’ll think about this, I won't think about that. The reality is far too overwhelming to this psychological VB. 

4:45 Lights on! This is more a relief in terms of all the other kutis round our pond since they were also in the dark, and i worried that it was my fault. I have definitely slowed down by some matter of degrees today. Feel it in the head. “One must surrender to the practice.” 

Dharma talk: “Abandon what is unwholesome. Cultivate what is wholesome.” “hatred arises when attention is  ocused on a repulsive object. “There is nothing inherent in an object that makes it worthy or unworthy of attention.”  (love that!) 

3 talks in a row on hatred. Hard not to have resistance to it. Clearly it helps to continue to focus on VB not on the speaker (Vive). This has been an amazing teacher so far. Remember when I literally quit the yoga course in Lonavala, India because the teachers got on my nerves!

6:45. He’s talked an hour and 15 minutes and still going strong!

February 1, 2010. Slow down continues. Sat last night till 9 pm, more determination than anything. This morning sit at 5 am was “pretty good” as Elmer used to say. Straightened my back over and over. When I sink - left side starts to hurt, as in Italy. I think mind has to accept the slouched position and work with the pain.

Feb 2, 6:40 am  - a dose of reality. New guy was unable to repress his hunger for breakfast. He kept crowding and crowding and finally gave up and started reaching over VB to get cheese, etc. For sure i was going way too slow and he had not adjusted to our slow pace. Waves of anger came rushing up and I stepped back to let him go in front. But not kindly! Don’t even know if he had a clue that I was being rude. He was so hungry, who knows?  “This is my space. You are invading my space!” I think  this was the first time someone has bumped me out of my little bubble of equanimity maybe since I got here. Okay. got it fairly quickly. The boat is not empty. (from “the empty boat is flooded with moonlight.” Dogen)

12 noon; Washing body and clothes yesterday - bathroom door does not really shut so it kept opening due to strong breeze coming through the window. Were I not stark nude the breeze would have felt lovely - it does now as a matter of fact, but not in my situation yesterday. How to keep the door from opening? I know! I put a small bucket of boiling hot water against the door to keep it closed, then went on with washing socks and underwear. Suddenly my feet were on fire. Yes. The breeze was strong enough to force the door open knocking the bucket over and bathing my poor feet in liquid fire. I screamed “FUCK!” This coming from Kuti #9. It was pathetic and of course endlessly dysfunctional VB who has no common sense when it comes to sensate matters.

Vive was curious why my description of the falling sensation was less clear than how I described it  the other day. It seemed quite obvious to me - because it is a more subtle sensation. One of his instructions was to pay careful attention to the second half of the rise and fall - which I did in the subsequent sit. Why didn’t I feel strong sensation on the exhale? At some point I realized that my lower belly does not ‘fall” in as I exhale. When I watched the movement in reverse it was clear that there is a conscious intention to inhale. As I watched more carefully I realized that I imagine the falling sensation as a release and relaxation. In other words I inhale using the abdomen (in the standard yoga style) but I exhale with the abdomen completely unengaged. Meaning that I don’t consciously “pull” the abdomen in - which of course is  how the excess air leaves the body. (remembering my last yoga teacher, Sukha, constantly reminded me to breathe because my breath becomes so shallow, and I kept assuring her that I was breathing!) 

So it felt utterly alien to breathe this way (consciously pulling the abdomen in) and it felt wrong. I guess because I am having to consciously do it. Here’s the thing, as i did it yesterday i saw that there is no real rest in the breathing process!!  It’s a continual labor of pushing out and pulling in. Indeed the exhale seems more like work than the inhale.There is something about this awareness that is quite unsettling - something about how hard the body really is working all the live long day. Heart beating, lungs breathing, and consciousness probably wants no part of it. 

The second part of this investigation occurred today as i looked more carefully at the end of the R and F. For one thing I saw how everything vanishes at the end, there is only that end left and then I saw how this is the true mirror of the Buddha’s teaching of emptiness, transitoriness, and dissatisfaction. As we watch the rise and fall we are watching formations rising and passing away. Of course,! i have been confused by the word “formations” - my being so damned literal. I imagine them as “form” and I have tried to “penetrate” the rise and fall. Perhaps a better word for me would be “comprehend” the rise and fall.  

The important thing is that as long as i was stuck on the pleasantness of breathing (and it has always been pleasant to me) I would never have realized the truth that breathing absolutely embodies the Buddha’s fundamental teaching that all formations are transitory, they involve suffering, and they are empty of self. Or: breath is empty (hello!) there is no me in it (hello!)

and when you really look, there is something intrinsically unsatisfactory in it. This does not feel like a Hollywood Moment of insight, maybe it’s a tiny one but I know that this is only a glimpse into reality. 

Also want to add that I think Vivekananda remembered to speak a little more loudly last night - or some part of his mind did. It was incredible the difference just a few decimal points up made. I was so deeply grateful 

From that Dharma talk, I loved his analogy of the Brahama Vihara (divine abodes): metta, karuna, mudita and upekka. He compares them to a mother’s feelings for her 4 daughters: Youngest daughter - metta (lovingkindness), Sick daughter - karuna  (compassion), successful daughter - mudita (sympathetic joy), Oldest daughter - upekka (equanimity) 

4pm  first 3 hour sit in many a year. Perhaps the last one was in Barre 1989? No big magic moment (other time it felt very big) mostly this came from a sense that there is nothing left to do but this. Meaning, I cannot force or manifest an awakening - it’s an absurd idea. But I can try to “break the back” of my own resistance. That unsettling phrase came to me as I thought about the Buddha’s:  “Housebuilder! I behold thee now. Again a house thou shall not build; the ridge pole is split. All thy rafters are broken now. My mind, its elements dissolved, the end of craving has attained.” The ridge-pole is what I thought of today. It’s the “spine” of this craving mind. 

Today as I sat - a number of times i was able to look at the clever mind, suggesting that it was okay to stop at 2:30 or then 2:45. And even more clever “well then, why don’t you go for 4 hours?” it occurred to me that I don’t really care about the bid E. it will come or it wont come. I care about diminishing the big V! That is something that I can do in this very life. 

9:20 pm in bed with hot water bottle (from the nuns) - placed  on right hip. it has been sore since the 3 hour sit. Stretched it out some after ginger tea and that helped. The right hip is from an old yoga injury.

Just a little show and tell: couldn’t resist a second cup of this tang lemon honey ginger tea concoction. Rinsing out the cup I couldn’t resist dipping my fingers into the bottom of the cup for that last taste of honey. This plus a fist full of mango bits that are always in a bowl near the tea) and I started humming “I’m back in the saddle again.”  It was a good day.

February 3,  3:55am - Finally got out of bed at 3:25, sat for 30 minutes - this is a little better. I didn’t think I slept much, since I had to be awake most of the night working on our Buddha float in the Lumbini parade. It was a grand success!

Walking to the meditation hall, pondering how my insight about breaking the ridge pole is now yesterday’s news. It’s no longer alive in meaning. I think intention means rediscovering meaning each morning. Maybe that’s what the Ch’an masters call “preserving the mind?”

Lights are supposedly on till 6 am today. It’s so nice to wake up and and have a little light on.

7:15  pm. skipped the Dharma talk tonight - what a difference it made! Sat on my rug in room for 1 1/2 hours and did a little yoga before going to tea. Stood outside listening to everyone chanting the Metta prayer. So lovely.  

Mind has been “different” since the 3 hour sit yesterday. Today it went into strange territory. U Vivekananda  asked me to describe a couple of dissolution experiences at the interview today and I named a couple, but not a big deal. In fact he was skipping forward in the Vipassana “play book” since he had not asked me to start noticing dissolution of objects at the last interview.  I listened to sounds in particular after the interview. Have loved  all these sounds here. It is truly an orchestra of exotic birds (one sounds like “It’s donatello sprouts.” another Mr Stitwillow Mr. Stitwillow”  and like the the nun’ calling for her cat. “Kitty kitty kitty.” On the other side of the high walls behind my kuti, drums are beating, and I can hear a voice chanting on a loudspeaker. It sounds like some sort of Hindu chant,  plus there is that gorgeous Korean gong. 

After lunch decided to tackle the common bathroom (nearest the dining hall) which I signed up as my yogi job. As expected it was a ridiculous, funny and fractured mess but totally par for the course.  

2pm - (in meditation hall) sat down and started watching the R and F  - no, thats wrong. Immediately when he sat down the mind started watching/experiencing sensations in the body, all over. and they would rise and disappear quickly. At one point they were happening too rapidly to note (as Vivekananda had predicted) So VB just watched. then he turned to the R and F and sure enough - what he saw at the end of the R and the end of the F was that they just vanish. It was exactly what  U V wanted me to experience, I am sure. Mind was riveted to watching this and then a huge wind started blowing. Flapping shutters making all kinds of noise. I felt an urge to get to Kuti #9 and sleep. It was so strange! For whatever reason  - i just felt weird - constricted - like i was going to be sick although I knew that was not really so.  I slow walked back here and soon wanted to sit. Did  - and body was completely at ease. Sat for 1 1/2 hours and body did not slouch - it was amazing. Mind felt and feels in very different space. 

Feb 4: 4: 23 am. What was Mark Twain’s great line . . .? “the news of my death has been greatly exaggerated.” Something like that. I really thought i had entered a new place last night. I imagined that the mind had truly let go - whatever. But as the evening progressed (last night) “normalcy” reestablished itself is the way I would put it. Sat in hall at 8:30 pm sat till 9:00 and came back to room.  Woke - change that, got up at about 3:45, sat and did a little yoga. Very gentle, shoulders are still incredibly sore. One thing has changed. Kundalini is definitely back now. Very strong  as i sat just now. In some ways it reminds me of 1988 when I had the first experience of kundalini rising at IMS in Barre.

- - - for a description of Kundalini, please read “All the News That’s Fit to Print.”

Today which is officially the fourth week here, Long Beach Meditation, actually, Mr. VB, is providing the dana for lunch at Panditarama Lumbini. 

9:50 am sitting outside waiting for interview with Bhadha Manika. What happened? it feels as if small self came roaring back. The little internal comments that I take for granted: watching Rose so gracefully slow walk around our pond as we both returned last night “little one” (was that Cali’s term?) said “I hope she falls in!” Ha ha.  that is supposedly funny to VB. today i see the envy in it. Came back to Kuti 9 after breakfast and once again crashed. fell asleep from 7 to 7:45 am. Then went to 8 am sit, relatively concentrated - and slow walked until interview. It feels as if something so deep was touched, and the mind recoiled.  We’ll see. 

The plain truth is that ego ate the experience and turned it off. That is what happened. it’s like starting all over - remembering that i must surrender to the practice. It occurred to me a while ago that at this point in Italy I would be anticipating the end of the retreat. Getting ready to meet Jay in Florence. This is a huge deal - - a second month! There is time to gather in, reflect and push on. 

Dharma talk (live) on the five controlling factors: Faith, Energy, Mindfulness, Concentration and Wisdom.   Excellent talk!

Feb. 5 - 7:40 am No doubt the 3 hour sits have had an effect. In the most mundane sense  they have been my only way to manifest the intention to surrender to the practice. But on another level they certainly have had a deep effect. Last night he sat for 1 1/2 hours in Hall. This was the most energy I have had that late in the day. Came to room and read a few pages and went to bed. Woke up this am and got out of bed at 2:15 am. Sat for  45 minutes got up and brushed teeth and did some yoga. Trying to work with hip still sore from yesterday. Kundalini has definitely arrived now, body has little tremors - loud hum at back of the neck and very high sounds in the head. As much as he can -  VB is trying to watch dissolution.  

Feb. 6 — 6:49 am. This is the big day. U Pandita arrives with 20 or so meditators  from Kathmandu for a 2 week retreat. We are supposed to go on with our longer retreat but at the same time participate in this one. I missed 60 % of what Vive said last night - he gave us the long bio of U Pandita - very strange - cult like (to me). i look at the faces of people listening to U.V. and wonder what on earth they must be thinking. Obviously I could go on about this subject but it will do me no good to do so.  That much I do know. 

A strange night and morning. Does anything “profound” that i announce one day last even 24 hours? 

- - - Obviously Not, Vive would say!

This morning I am moving out of a bad place i guess. I must confess, the 90 minute infomercial given by UV probably had its effects. Beginning with my wavering faith (the first spiritual faculty) and I was more affected by seeing Vive’s childlike faith in U Pandita than I care to admit. Maybe yes, maybe no. And perhaps the 3 hour sit did not ‘sit’ well either. I got into the trap of thinking that gutting my way through 3 hours each day was my way of  “showing up”  - breaking the back of my resistance - of surrendering to the practice (blah blah blah) Probably one has to reinvent the wheel each morning. (Reconnect to the meaning, the intention). At any rate I was out of kilter from that 3 hour sit on and the 90 minute infomercial was a hole in the road that I was more than ready to fall in. Probably one has to reinvent the wheel each am. (“one” VB who is still deluded). 

One final observation, the interview with U.V was almost exactly where we were when the retreat with him in Italy was ending two years ago. VB is at the point in the interviews where he is supposed to report experiences of dissolution. Unfortunately I have indicated a few beginning glimpses of it but really?  How much of it am i fabricating? For sure i know the lingo and I know what he is looking for. He gets so excited by my progress! Really it’s precious. But the problem is that I want to please him and give him more. So doubt is creeping in. “am I going to be able to push ahead? Is this real?”

8 pm sit hanging by a thread. Crawled to kuti # 9 and was sound asleep by 9:30. So much for pride in breaking the back of my resistance!

2:30 am. Woke. Forgot to say that i had a brief dream about Mama Nora yesterday morning. It was heart touchingly lovely. We sat and talked a while and the thing i remember was that her eyes were incredibly beautiful. (they really were).

So when I woke this morning after that dreadful sit it did not occur to me that I had a shot at getting up and getting on with it. All i wanted to do was fall back asleep and escape from the sore shoulder and bad mood. But I was already too awake for that so i got up and sat at 3 am. Quite a surprise. The sit was okay, no big deal- then i brushed my teeth and walked to the Hall (pitch dark of course) i have one of those little flashlights one wears around the head looking for all the world like some miner getting ready to go down into the deep mines. But then - what else are we doing but going into the deep Mind?  So strange to walk at 3 or 4 am even before those gorgeous bells and see the lights of other meditators slow walking toward the Dharma Hall.  

Fairly soon went into the same sit as that awful one the night before. Total resistance! It felt as if I  was in another 3 hour sit. About 20 minutes before the end came the awareness that all of this was mind created, every nook and cranny of it! Slowly this pulled me out of the hole i had fallen in the night before and by the time the bell rang i was okay. 

Difficult to write this much (definitely disturbs the mind),  but this writing catches me up to where I am at this moment. - Sitting here looking out window - our first really misty day in 4 or 5 days. The lily pond and a grey mist rising out of the pond blend perfectly - just a beautiful sight.  

I feel that watching the mind is it for me. It’s hard to do, but it feels completely correct for me. On the other hand watching the mind is not exactly what this Mahasi practice  is about. The Vipassana that UV teaches is based on investigating the object. and there is no questions that this is a powerful and valid path. Every object will eventually reveal itself to a mind capable of comprehending the object’s reality: every object is impermanent, cannot possibly satisfy and has no intrinsic me in it. I think this is what almost everyone is doing here and with tremendous attention and intention. They sit for hours and are looking. They walk for hours and are looking It’s amazing and inspiring. This clearly is not VB’s talent (if i have a talent!) One would think that an extrovert like me would be the very best at observing objects. In fact this is basically how Jung defined an extrovert and God knows this defines VB. But at least 70 % of these meditators are clearly introverts (as in every retreat i’ve ever done). So what does this mean? Are they able to watch objects so closely because they are not glued to them as an extrovert is?  Perhaps these people who really get this practice can do the investigation or R and F because they are not fused with the object - so they can really look at it?  Maybe. But this is to be continued.

I am here and I am supposed to be here.  U Pandita’s being here is not an accident. 30 years between when i first sat with him in such aversion and now. So I know that i must keep going and i understand it. But I am also giving myself a little break from the pressure of “performing” my dissolutions for UV at least for a while. Sadhu sadhu sadhu.

12:20  Washed some socks, underwear and the 2nd pair of sweat pants. This i must share with the future V who may read it one day: At lunch i watched Danny (sitting across the table) mindfully watching an orange. His kuti is next to mine and every day he walks about that kati and the pond so mindfully, it is like watching a beautiful painting. So here he was holding that orange, deeply gazing at it and I am sure doing the totally Vipassana thing of observing the object with it. And here I was trying to notice dissolution for a couple of days. So i looked at my orange, and silently said, “I’m watching you dissolve!” As I write this (for a future VB) tears of laughter ; i guess you had to be there but is was the funniest moment!  Perhaps i should report my moment of dissolution to Sayadaw U Vivekananda?  Probably not. 

i must say they have this place spiffed up for U Pandita  - it’s spick and span. The entire staff has cleaned tirelessly for days and days in anticipation of his arrival. Gardening, removing all cobwebs form window sills from morning to night. We call it keeping up appearances. Very southern.

Feb 6 (taped Dharma talk quite excellent)  Transition from 3rd insight knowledge to 4th insight, meditators experience plenty of pain at this stage - burning, etc (physical discomfort). Dukkha is also mental suffering - filled with sense desire - sloth and torpor. etc.  The hindrances cause a great deal of dukkah.

The third stage - wholesome mental states tend to arise as the Dukkha fades. Calmness arises accompanied by clarity of mind. The contrast between unwholesome and wholesome states is so clear that this tends to bring about wisdom. Seeing that wholesome mental states are a condition to happiness is a big deal! 

U Pandita says that  “meditation is nothing but a battle between unwholesome and wholesome states.” (does VB agree with the word “battle”?) From wholesome states (kusala) comes clarity.  An untrained mind tends to grasp unwholesome states, which leads to craving. A trained mind stops grasping - understanding that this constant push and pull is not helpful. So it is a more detached way of working with a problem. This understanding naturally arises in a meditation practice and wisdom arises from this understanding.  As the mind becomes more discerning it moves toward wholesome states . 

Greed:  story of the way a monkey gets its hand trapped because it won't let go of the banana. Ill-will (VB please note that your snide inner comments about others are unwholesome states!) sloth: lack of driving power. Torpor: - very difficult to work with, drooping, tiredness, not able to think straight. (remember Jeanie’s mistaking it as “sloth and torture!”) Restlessness:  anxious thoughts, worry, remorse  Doubt: indecisive, wavering 

The Hindrances occur in our daily lives, and off the cushion for sure. 

Once a meditator has passed this dukkha stage of the 3rd Insight knowledge, wholesome states arise and the progress of insight continues. 

Fourth stage (we’re home free! We think) inflation of ego. I may be enlightened. “Am I in nirvana?)  Been there done that.

As a result of the tranquillity at this stage, one becomes complacent and a discontinuity of mindfulness results. (taking little breaks. “let me enjoy the fruits of my labor”). Never happened to VB!! 

Feb 7. Workers spent the entire day cleaning the Dharma Hall from 9 am to 4 pm. It certainly feels much cleaner - black mold near the ceiling is gone. We were all like little chickens without our nesting place. i kept waiting for it to open but it did not until 4. Sat after tea last night - sat till 8 pm and that was all she wrote. Tried to read but lights went out. Talk on wholesome and unwholesome states was very helpful.

Feb 8  - 7:20 am. The Nepalese finally arrived last night. Their 2 week retreat was supposed to start on Saturday but it has certainly taken time to begin. Although U Pandita has been here since Saturday we have seen neither hide nor hair of him. People scurry around his house  - it’s like the Pope has come. The Nepalese had breakfast outside in an open area next to the dinning room. They don’t like our bland Western breakfasts so the nuns make them a typically spicy fare. One of the new meditators started snoring during the sit last night. It was the loudest noise i’ve heard in a long time. I really thought it was a truck. but 3 weeks of sitting has certainly made this mind more accepting and equanimous. 

My practice continues: it waxes and wanes in a kind of natural rhythm. i find myself catching little naps when there is no need at all - perhaps that is a stupid thing to say. Oddly, I love lying down on the bed in the daytime and going quickly to sleep. At night the bed feels so hard and uncomfortable. It hurts these old bones. But there is clearly more Dharma in the mind. Now it is natural to review the 4 foundations when I sit or walk, and to remember the 5 controlling factors. Noting snide inner comments as unwholesome , etc.

We move into the 4th week and soon the retreat will be half over. 

10am  Walking back to Kuti #9 - - - U Pandita passed by walking with his cane and lightly leaning on the arm of a nun. He was on his way to look at a stack of bricks piled up for the new Kuti, and he insisted on inspecting the bricks - picking one up and examining it. it brought tears to my eyes - he is now old and frail, and my heart is so touched by the scene. Thirty years ago he was in his late 60’s, my age now, and he was still strong and vigorous. I remember how judgmental I was, and how I now see such beauty in his fragility and in the fulfillment of his life.

(looking from my window) He is now inspecting “my” lily pond. He took his cane and picked up some of the remaining slime - my daily obsession. The nun said something to him and he said, “Huh?” He’s deaf as a doornail!

Old Ch’an saying; “the Buddhas expounded all teaching to save all minds, i have no mind at all, so what’s the use of all the teachings?” 

I have been pondering this since this afternoon. it is true that we call the mind our brother because it’s so close - so intimate. But the Ch’an teachers say it is actually a thief.  I think it is “me.” - - I think it’s thoughts are “me.” It thinks it has 2 arms, 2 legs, a head and a torso. It looks out through these eyes at a world it likes and or doesn’t care about one way or another.  The Ch’an guys keep saying you have to smash it - in one fell swoop.  “Drop the skin bag” they say.  V says “but how?”  And that very question is the very mind they are talking about!  V. sees dissolution or not - or has more progress of Insight Knowledge or not (and who knows?) perhaps even this writing stems from the past three weeks of practice. Whether or not, this goes forward this mind must be trained (at least). Perhaps “smashing the mind” is the same thing as what VB said 2 weeks ago about breaking the back of his resistance. Actually, it’s the mind’s “back” that must be broken.  But how to break something that does not even exist? 

Feb 9 It’s raining! Sitting in Kuti #9 with door open, screen door shut, listening to the gentle rain falling and watching the little ripples as each drop hits the lily pond. Very cool this morning, of course. V went to sit in Hall immediately after breakfast  - felt so unsettled. So just after he sat down, the sound of rain hitting roof came and I had to get up. Walked in the rain for a few minutes and so loved it.  Then went back to sit. For whatever reason, sits at 5 am and 6:30 were hard. Mind would not settle on object.  Sloth and Torpor!  Strange because I woke up a little after 3 am - went outside and walked around pond and then sat. So still. Did some yoga then went to 5 am sit and mind was just gone. No need to figure these things out - (and who could?) Just part of the process, i think.  

There continues to be this interest in watching this psychological mind that is not in any way my friend. It must be watched relentlessly. 

Interview with Sayalay:  i continue to find her interviews helpful.  She knows her stuff clearly. She lets me run on but then she gets down to business. “So what about this or that?” She is checking to see if I am noting many objects (formations) and can tell that I am not really in to it.  She suggested  that I take a 5 minute stretch and see if I can note every object rising continuously. Then extend it to 7 minutes, etc. This is a basic Mahasi instruction, and one that VB seems to avoid each week. He’ll do it!,

Feb 10 — 10:15 am, after interview with Vive. He is thrilled that I am have a queasy feeling in the belly. It is funny - in fact, I ate too much at lunch yesterday - have been belching a lot this morning. But it’s nice to get an  “A,” even if it is for indigestion. 

V had a powerful sitting experience yesterday and has not been the same since. So odd. There are moments of pure dismay watching how petty is this mind, so stuck on the trivial. From the sitting experience there has been fairly steady watchfulness as the “ghost man” tries to regain control of the mechanism. One extraordinary day in Florence ( 20 years ago?) V smoked pot with Alan, and it just blew out the ego. This happened once before in India 20 years before that, but of course i had forgotten that i cannot smoke pot. Period. It blows out the ego. What that means is that for that day i experienced reality from the perspective of the16 year old. Everything I saw was through his eyes. He was a wonderful boy - nothing jaded about him, basically pure and innocent. it was remarkable to feel free of so much “stuff” for an entire day. But what is remarkable is that from that clear space, at first I could experience the way the ego kept trying to creep back into the personality. Riding on the train to Milan, I remember watching this calculating, thinking part move in from the edges or periphery of consciousness. By the evening as the train was near Milan, “ghost man? ego? was back and i could not even feel sad about what was now missing because whatever i felt was through the filter of the ego. 

This is similar but certainly not as mind boggling as the experience long ago. One understands the Zen admonition to “preserve” the mind. Preserve the clear pure state of awareness not clouded by our fear and anger. 

8:40 pm. sat for 1 1/2 hours after lunch - sits have all been easy since that sit yesterday. “Easy” meaning that the mind does not drift off the object and there is not a strong urge to stop. But at that I came back to Kuti # 9 and promptly went to sleep for an hour. Had a hard time falling back to sleep -tossed and turned, finally got up at 3 am, walked around the pond and then sat.  

“The Way cannot be attained by the conscious mind, nor can it be attained by mindlessness; it cannot be communicated by word, nor can the be reached by silence.” 

Feb. 11 - - another restless night  - this one seemed worse than the previous few nights. head got really hot at last night’s sit and i went to bed at 9:30 feeling not so good. Got up around 3:30 walking to the dining area to get some filtered water (the water is not safe to drink here) - came back and sat for almost 40 minutes. Surprised by the ease of the sit. Brushed teeth sponged with  hot water from thermos and went to the Hall to sit for another 40 minutes..  

I get out early enough to miss the puja chant at 5:50 by the Nepalese. it’s sort of like Southern Baptist revival time in East Tennessee. Although VB has been working on equanimity this is not a test that he necessarily needs. 

The theme of the past few days since the day it rained has been working with this “ghost guy”  - what the Ch’an people call the “conscious spirit.”  Maybe this is partly what we call the ego - VB tends to call it the conscious personality.  “He” or “It” is the very core of my delusion. He seems to reside behind the eyes and imagines that he has 2 arms, 2 legs, etc. When i work up this am i was fretting about my sore shoulders and hips and suddenly realized that “I’ thought i was the body. The illusion vanished! But it comes creeping back in like an old habit. Thoughts are the life blood of this ghost guy, that much is clear. He thinks about LBM, about returning to Long Beach and the next All Day retreat and it feels so very normal. I watch the way he wants to start criticizing Vive for mumbling, or talking too fast too slow (too too) and it really is a 24 hour job, just as Lazy An said (“grab the ox by the nose and pull him out of the rice paddy.”)

7:10am Came back here after breakfast and went promptly to sleep  It feels okay - not like the many times when I would sleep at the Forest Refuge just to escape unpleasant mental states. Not that some of this is not an escape - no doubt - but I am not getting deep sleep at night for sure. Also, what is this all about? I lie on my back and go to sleep almost immediately. Yet I cannot force myself to do that at night. 

It’s one month exactly since leaving California. No doubt the sand will begin to move quickly now as we enter the second month. Last night, walking back to the room was the thought “this will soon be over.” And the ironic response, “yes and if i really understand the true implications of “this will soon be over” I would surely be in no hurry for tomorrow to come.”

12:20 pm and another nap! amazing how quickly I fall asleep! (that is not a laugh line!) but I lay down after lunch and was out like a light. slept for 20 minutes and feel more refreshed. Interview with Sayalay was again interesting. She’s getting tired of my song and dance. But it is good. I am sure that - as i read over this sometime later it will be clear that “he” is back in the saddle. Not really - but definitely a stronger flavor. he is endlessly curious, needs to see everything. He likes and he dislikes. I don’t think he minds being called “ghost man” or “conscious spirit” at all! which is funny. Maybe he ignores the idea or maybe he doesn’t even have the capacity to understand.  I bet that is true. he can only do his routine over and over. 

In any case - we have clearly established a level of concentration and mindfulness. One thing is for sure, from here on this is ground that V has not traveled since 1988. 21 years. 

3:45 pm This goes in the category of “i don’t know nuttin'.” last sit was 2 hours and it was so easy - but more than that, it was so clear and strong. How to describe it to UV.  Dissolution? Not really. The mind went into such a still place and the body nearly vanished from awareness. Toward the end of the sit it no longer felt as if the body was on the floor. It felt more suspended in space - the egoic center slowly dissolved at the end (only temporarily of course). One little pain in the lower lumbar area caused fear in the mind. Very odd since it wasn’t that big a deal pain-wise. Slow walked for 40 minutes after. Decided earlier in response to Bhadha’s request to make these curious eyes my mental object for the next few days.  

9:25 pm. UV just handed me a package after the sit. A Valentine card from Theresa with some little Dove chocolate bites. Heaven! It was so nice hearing from her with news about the Wednesday night group and news that a huge storm is descending upon LA coastal areas. 

The news here is that the kundalini seems to have finally erupted, although that’s probably not the right word. i sat at 8 pm and body just rocks back and forth. Now back at Kuti #9 energy is just coursing through the body. At this point, everything seems entirely okay, not at all like Barre in 1988, but this is surely an interesting bend in the road. The thing is, in the past the kundalini has overpowered the meditation in every retreat I took after Barre. Hard to explain but as the concentration deepens it’s like the mind “heats” and when the energy is too intense in the head it becomes impossible to sit.  i hope this time it will be different - certainly the sit at 1 pm was so quiet even though the kundalini was going strong. Well, it’s too hard to explain, and writing this is stirring up the brain. So - blessed, blessed day. i cannot express the depths of my gratitude for being here - for lasting long enough to be here - for all the help that has been given me all my life from so many dear ones. Blessed day!

5:40 am Well, it is warm enough at night now that I don’t need these two blankets so i put them on the bottom to give a little more “mattress” and it made a world of difference. Hips and shoulder are not as sore. On the other hand this energy (kundalini) made it impossible to fall asleep. I think I did not go to sleep until midnight. Got up later than usual, 3:45, went outside for a short walk - then brushed teeth and went to Hall at 4:30. Sat till 5:30. The energy was relatively quiet. On we go into Friday the 12th of February.

10am  Reported my fearful reaction to the slight pain yesterday and and UV nearly jumped for joy! So funny. The interviews with him have tended to go that way. I feel as if he and I are on an Alice in Wonderland trip. He gets excited about these little events and I feel as if I am fooling him into thinking i’m  “progressing.” Am i? Really it just the oddest situation. Also i told him that I have so much energy in the body that I can’t fall asleep at night. He gave the obvious and reasonable suggestion - sit up in bed for 30 minutes and you will probably fall asleep. But then he surprised me once again. He said if I need to to take long walks I have permission to leave the compound!  Good gravy. This is like offering a bottle of vodka to an alcoholic. Giving me permission to walk beyond these high walls is too funny for words. I already see V with his little Kodak camera now.  

So UV says that one knows if the fear is Dharma related when it is not ordinary fear. When it makes no rational sense. (Wow.) This Dharma fear is coming from the self clinging to the illusion of permanency or solidity. When things start falling apart the ego gets very frightened. UV says in particular when it begins to see that even consciousness is not continuous. this is totally unsettling. Thinking of the Zen “conscious spirit” clinging for all its worth to the body.  “Here is my foot, here’s my arm” etc. It makes such sense. And again I realize how yoga can be such a blessing and yet a problem. Yoga always helped me center in the body - but ultimately this may be the wrong direction, especially if one is ready to let go of identifying with the body as “me.”

Also  maybe there is a deep fear of losing control (going crazy?). In the past 2 days (did not remember to report this to Vive) when the mind starts to drift off during a sit - there is a sudden and sharp  “force” that pulls the mind back to center. it’s been odd to watch, and I have thought it a good sign that mindfulness is getting stronger. But now i wonder. Is this the deep old ego reacting in fear when the mind starts drifting into the unknown? Could it even be the break in the continuity of consciousness he was talking about? The sharp  reaction is fear?  

It’s rained ever since i put my socks and underwear on the line to dry this morning. But they will dry in no time.  On my way to lunch. 

Feb 13 No interview day! 5:44 am.  Woke once to pee at 11:30 and slept until 2:15 Maybe the longest sleep since I got here. Thought about getting up but went back to sleep and slept till 3:15.  Got up and walked outside for 20 minutes then sat for 30 minutes. Brushed teeth, etc. and went to Hall and sat at 4:40 am. Kundalini was very subdued - body did not rock nor was there that strong inner pulse. Sat for 50 minutes, mind was rather constricted  - mindfulness a little dull. All this probably makes a lot of sense (to someone!)

Time for breakfast.

4:40 pm  The big news is - as predictable as the sun comes up, after he sat from 12 to 1 pm V left the compound. Lumbini, “the birthplace of the Buddha” is amazing. It was so interesting to see what i could not see when the taxi came driving through these gates in the dark of night one month ago. There were crowds of people walking from one monastery to another. Rickshaw drivers asking if you want a ride or a tour. (None of this obvious from inside the high walls of Pantitarama.) I walked to the Korean Temple, a Tibetan Temple and a Chinese one.  Probably i did not cover one fifth of this place, and the sun was so hot. Not to mention that i have been in this secluded and silent place for a month of non-stop sitting.  Retreated back to Panditarama fairly quickly and fairly done in. 

Chinese temple

Tibetan temple

Chinese temple

At the one month retreat in Italy 2 years ago. i knew there was a tiny town at the bottom of the mountain on the top of which was situated our beautiful retreat center. Each week of the retreat I kept wondering,  “what interesting things could be in that little town? A shop? a cafe?  interesting people? I think the name of the town was Biona. So each week  I would start walking down the mountain, get so far and then turn around, already too tired and knowing that I would never be able to make the trip back up. But by the last week my energy was back and  I was sure that I could make it down the mountain to discover  “what’s in Biona?”  So I walked down that mountain, and walked and walked! finally reaching the town at the bottom. There I  discovered that there was absolutely nothing in Biona. no shops no cafes not even a phone to call a taxi which by then I desperately needed. How I got back got up that mountain I have no idea, but the next day when I told UV about it, he asked, “so what did you find in Biona?” I replied, “There’s nothing in Biona.”  he slapped his thigh in delight! For sure there is something in Lumbini!

Now U Pandita is giving a Dharma talk across the way in the Ordination Hall. This is where we (the foreign students) usually meet while he gives his Dharma talk to the Nepalese students in the Main Hall. But since  he gives his talk in Burmese and his assistant (a nun with a soft lovely voice) translates it into Nepalese, there is no point to our being there. So we just wait and do walking meditation outside until he has finished. Then we gather in the Ordination Hall waiting for U Vivekananda to come (with robes flying) down the brick walk from the main mediation hall. He rushes in and breathlessly translates U P’s talk into English for us. Tonight, I think there is naming ceremony for one of the nuns 

We waited inside for Vivekananda but he was 30 minutes late. Then after he rushed in there was all this business with his IPod which he cannot work, so we waited another 10 minutes, then we begin to chant by 6:40. By now it is dark inside so he turns on this ghoulish light which makes him look like the Phantom of the Opera. We sit in pitch dark (excepting his small light) with mosquitos making a nightly appearance. (V. has the bites to prove it) and Vive jumps into UP’s talk which is always pedantic as well as boring, but then add to that Vive is translating a mile a minute, just flying into the words for one solid hour. What is truly amazing to me is that somehow i have found some place of non reactivity - even kindness. Every night I leave that hall in wonder. U.V is about 16 years old emotionally or perhaps better said psychologically. V is close to the same age. And yet as a Dharma teacher. U Vivekananda is truly mature. 

On my way to last sit of the day - - - will surely leave before the Nepalese begin that chant from hell. 

Kundalini watch: fairly active, bottom felt like i was sitting n a shifting cushion - not much mindfulness - lots of images floating through but they did not pull me our of concentrations. 

Valentines Day  6:45 am U Pandita’s retreat ends this Thursday and we will be back to our “normal’ schedule. A lot to report this am. One month from this day, V will be finishing breakfast and preparing to leave for Bhairahawa for the flight back to Kathmandu, This really feels like entering the second month of practice as  the mind begins to notice more objects.

V had the thought last night - if you are going to spend time thinking, why not think Dharma? as in the 4th foundation or the 5 hindrances and 5 skandhas. Plus the 5 controlling factors. Those 15 things are enough to fill the mind with Dharma for a lifetime.

Thinking about the Nepalese who leave on Thursday. V. thought “good riddance!” this morning. Why think that? they have been, without exception, respectful to us, and they have sincerely and impressively practiced. One can actually see a marked difference in them after such a short time. So in fact there is no reason why i would say “good riddance’ except that it’s just a smart ass who makes these little comments habitually. So when that thought came up, V noted “unwholesome thought.”  That is a first. it never occurred to me that these clever comments are unwholesome thoughts. “I” think they’re funny! This is an “after one month of practice” insight.

As to my response to Sayalay’s  suggestion that i need to report more objects, i have made real effort since Thursday to keep my head lowered and get out of other people’s business. The extent of curiosity (a nice way to put it) is astounding. I have been able to remember some, and will try to do more. This is hugely helpful.

i realize that I have had a disconnect in the walking practice - probably having to do with resistance. I have consistently thought about walking meditation as the interval between sits. So, walking to or from breakfast, lunch, etc., I tend to walk more quickly but then I slow way down when I am doing walking meditation. But here i see that the long-timers walk the same pace all the time regardless of the activity. So if they are heading for breakfast from as far away as a kuti, they have to leave at least 20 minutes early. It has taken me one month to get this. Lord have mercy. 

Kundalini was fairly screaming by the time I got to bed last night. But I was able to fall asleep (second night in a row!) and slept soundly. This is all the news that’s fit to print. 

10 am  - a remarkable morning of practice. No big Hollywood moment - just staying on point from beginning to middle to end. i was looking at a tiny little bird - just precious - as i was walking back to Kuti #9 - it felt safe enough to sit nearby and not fly away as i passed - and i thought “you may just be a sense object but you are surely a cute one.”  And i understood what i did not understand about the 6 sense spheres when we were studying the 4th foundation in the Wednesday night class.  i get lost in sense objects. That’s the point of it. It’s not that that little bird is not precious - it’s that VB gets lost in loving what is precious and hating what is ugly. To remove oneself from the trap requires a willingness to free oneself from both sides of the equation.  

7:54 pm this has to be the most remarkable day so far. It’s like pieces stitched together. Today i see how incredibly lax i have been in the in-between places - and how this has to dilute the level of awareness. First and foremost i am really astonished as i grasp how completely caught i am in sense objects. I cannot imagine anyone here more caught than i, although my bet is that this is more or less a universal fact for extroverts. So this is the second time the issue of introversion an extroversion has come up. It’s interesting to think of Jung’s description of an introvert as  “devaluing” the object and extroverts like VB making them incredibly real. Even keeping my head lowered doesn’t really slow the process down that much. In the past few weeks my strategy has been the Zen one - to “empty the self” which automatically empties the object. No wonder that has been a good strategy for me. 

So I finally got mad at Vivekananda and didn’t bow down when he came in. He left us sitting there in the dark waiting for him for 40 minutes. Maybe we are the devalued object? Maybe not - doesn’t matter. I recovered quickly and guess what? his Dharma talk was on the 6 senses. Amazing grace.

While we were waiting and waiting - Rose had left - i guess to help him with the IPod. i looked over at her empty cushion and thought, “They’re probably making out.” Oh my God! it’s so ridiculous it is beyond the beyond. So I noted “unwholesome thought, “ but then I did something new. i whispered “you know that wasn’t a nice thing to say.” Silence. But the child was listening.  Then I added, “ i know you are very hurt and angry, and I'm really sorry. i want you to know that i love you.” And that was that.  

Feb 15 - 9am another grey misty morning - V is in an “after the party” mode. Sleepy, rather mindless. Hard to stay focused on R and F in sits so far. From wonder to wonder. 

10:14 this is so amazing, “From wonder to wonder existence opens.” Just to be able to stay at the edge of existence opening. We are living and each moment we open again.  Well, U.V. was not very interested in my question about visible objects. He suggested i keep my head down which is like asking a 3 year old to stay in his seat. But that’s okay. I mentioned that i might try staying in the Kuti which he thought might help. But that’s probably just avoiding the challenge now that I think about it. So we’ll see. UV’s instruction was to find an unpleasant sensation in both the R and the F. Very interesting. I know they’re there  - i’ve even started to mention it to him. So he’s ratcheting up the program. Also he suggests i pay attention to the slouching. What is the mind state at that point? Okay boss! 

3 pm - bug bites on hands and arms. I think this is just the beginning of the mosquito season. There are mosquito nets in the Main Hall, but VB was too late in obtaining one after the Nepalese arrived. I’ll get a net from the Hall on Thursday.

Have felt loggy- flat and sleepy all day. Just did yoga and it snapped me out of that place. Questions is - is that good? I sat with noticing unpleasant sensations in the R and F from 1 to 2 pm. i would say that the whole thing is unpleasant! Maybe I already knew that. In truth it is the animal body breathing. The abdomen pulls and stretches and squeezes. Does yoga take one out of an awareness of the unpleasant sensations? 

- — Answer: Yes! no wonder it is so popular!

4:30 pm I would laugh, but of course it’s not funny. Sat from 3 to 4 with unpleasant sensations in R and F - odd how the concentration on unpleasant sensations produced such a still and expansive experience - all the while one sat with the unpleasant sensations. Then went outside and walked around the pond. Woman who was at the retreat in Pian dei Celiegi came out of her kuti and walked as well. There is  this continual pounding of hammers on the huge Temple being constructed across the way. The ornate Korean roof is visible towering above our walls. As I stood and listened - i watched how each pound struck against V’s consciousness and a continual unpleasant sensation rising from it. Fascinating to experience. then I watched a guy coming out of a Kuti and caught it fast enough to stop looking. Basically stopping at perception (skandha 3) i saw how quickly it goes on to skandha 4.  Of course i know all this but i just forget it.  Every sense object strikes against the receptor - sense door.  it’s all unpleasant - but the one who insists that life is a bowl of cherries completely blocks out this information. Thoughts of my dad and the incredible pain he went through - particularly at the end of his life. Mostly he succeeded in blocking out reality from his awareness until too many strokes and too many heart attacks made blocking impossible. God bless him. 

The “i would laugh” is at how effective UV’s interaction actually was. Clearly he gave up on my relentless need to see the R and F as pleasant!

Feb 16   6:53 am - - “remarkable” is the word that keeps coming up. Helped set up the room for U.V.’s Dharma talk. walked slowly waiting for him to arrive . We have had this continual comedy night after night. Each night he arrives a little later than the previous night. We sit patiently (some more than others!) and he arrives rather flustered - apologizing for being late and suggesting that we should meet 20 minutes later the next night.  So by last night we were to meet at 6:15. i swear to goodness he was still almost 30 minutes late. Now we are to meet at 6:45 pm. that’s for a Dharma talk after having practiced since 4 am. Well i finally lost it - by the time he got there i was totally angry. it felt so disrespectful - well, it may be, of course. Just send someone down to let us know you will be late. that’s all. So by now the mosquitos were dive bombing and my old worn yoga blanket was a prime target. They probably can smell aversion!  i had bundled up to keep the mosquitos away, so I was sweating like a pig, and really they were all over me, and we were chanting and I screwed it up. It felt horrible. i should have just left. Really it would have been okay, but i could not find the inner permission. But i felt love for myself and told V. “It’s okay!” 

It all subsided of course and by the end of his talk i was sane. How strange. i was not able to work with any of it really. Then i sat at 8 pm and another strange event. I was all over the place (inside) - unable to sit but relatively okay, then i felt this pressure over the entire body. Very strong, almost scary, and suddenly it was like some “force’ and my mind became totally concentrated. I’ve had minor experiences like this, but this one was amazing. 

Sat with unpleasant feeling this morning and yes it was remarkable. Body shivered, stomach hurt and at different times mind would look at or remember times of being sick and in the emergency ward, and the mind had images of people dying , sores on bodies, amputations - never experienced anything even close to it before. Utterly unpleasant images - memories. Dukkha. Wow.

9:30 pm  - an up and down day. i was more in a collapsed mode more than most days. i slept  at 2 pm and already had taken a nap after lunch. Once again it was yoga that pulled me out of this state. We all agreed to meet at 6:40 tonight for U V’s Dharma talk.  I had the good sense not to be fooled this time so I stayed outside and walked till he showed up. No more to say about that.

On the plus side, i really tried to work with seeing, hearing and the 5 skandhas. It was hard but very helpful. So my practice deepens little by little each week. head a little hot with kundalini and I am saying goodnight and sending blessings to all.

Feb 17 7:20 am  poor sleep. Mosquito bothered me and i killed one when i went to pee. Not a good deed - and i had no ambivalence about it. already had decided that if one landed on me he was a goner. So i didn’t get up until those gorgeous bells rang across and beyond our walls. Really if you want to hear a serious sound, those bells are it. it’s as if they are saying, “This is really a serious matter dude. Time is flying by and you getter get on with it.” 

This morning I was thinking - after all these years, i still don’t really know what sati is. Really. No doubt that could have something to do with the holes in my practice. So i am lying in bed and noting “lying.” Then i noted ‘breathing” and “hearing”’ Three notes in a row! But is noting “lying” actually mindfulness?  i thought that the mind knowing that the body is lying is sampajana. This implies to me that sati is remembering to focus on an object - not the focus itself. I’ll ask UV today. Isn’t it sampajana that knows and sati that sees? Think i already asked him once. I’m not sure anyone has ever given me a good answer. Joseph says that sati is putting a frame around perception (sanna).

For sure I have been working with this for the past 2 days. Beginning to note thinking as a mind object, and at times noting number 3 on the skandha hit parade.

2:40 pm -  Interview with UV - he wants me to continue to perceive unpleasant sensations and in particular on the R and F - notice the burning that is happening at all the sense doors. There is no question that i’m getting this at a deeper level. i don’t think i ever understood that the idea is to establish continual mindfulness. Now after hearing this instruction for approximately 25 years one would suspect that there is a little ignorance going on. At any rate, it’s good. U Pandita leaves tomorrow afternoon - i must say i will be glad in terms of these late Dharma talk translations by UV. But it has been far easier than i expected and far less disruptive to our (we foreign student’s) practice. I think we are to have an interview with UP tomorrow morning before he leaves.

U Pandita sitting, U vivekananda and Saylay Bhada Manika standing. beautiful meditators all

4:30 - sat for 1 hour and 30 minutes. Interesting and ironic twist. I decided to skip tonight’s Dharma talk which had been pushed back to 7 pm. With UV’s track record - that means that it may begin by 7:15. Just didn’t see the value of going through the same thing again. But just before my interview with UV the Dutch guy came up and asked if i would help him with the chants before the talk tonight. Of course I said i would and maybe this meant that I was not supposed to skip. Okay!

9:15 - Well. i met the Dutch guy - told him about Andrew (who is Dutch). This guy only arrived last week and with this retreat within a retreat he must be confused.  Said he quit his job to do this and is here for one month with the option of doing a second month. I said, “take the opportunity! When will you have this chance again?” 

So UV didn’t show and pushed the talk up to 7:30 pm! Lord have mercy. So we all went our separate ways and returned for the 7:30 Dharma talk. He arrived at 7:45. I was fine. I sat and breathed. We got out of there about 8:45. The thing that makes it so bizarre is that we are sitting there listening to a fractured translation of the talk UP gave hours earlier.  Nothing more to say about that.

It was a good day. (was it Linji who said every day is a good day?)  Each day truly has been a good day. i have a sense of what needs to be done now, and that is where I will set my sails.

Feb 19  8am  certainly through a storm. Yesterday was a day when big mind (mindfulness?) was almost nonexistent. left with small self (Frank) nitty gritty. feelings of ineptitude comparing, comparing, comparing. Envy.

A few moments ago I really understood that this practice can be turned into something dualistic. The Dharma exists “outside” that we can take refuge in. Of course, that is good. no criticism of practice on this level, but if this is real - if this practice is truly real - we are the Dharma. No inside or outside. There can be no other truth. 

9:10, the 8 am sit continued the string of sits since 3:30 am - very still. There was a little pain on the left side and a thought about reporting that to Sayalay  and came the awareness “who has a left side?” Clearly in that moment there was no such thing as a left side. At this moment I’m sitting in the Hall - ready to go to the interview. This which writes has no left side. How odd it all is!  Question: is the storm i went through yesterday “practice related?” This seems to be UV’s answer to most events during a retreat, and perhaps it is so. The contrast between sitting today vs. yesterday is remarkable. Today the mind recognizes (accepts) that i created the drama and that it was the very core of aversion. By Wednesday night I was already so pissed off and then we got our first announcement that UV was late. I just fell into a pit of rage. “How can he be so thoughtless? not caring about us, etc etc”  As I thought back to that 24 hours of anger I began to reflect on how it was that i came into this world - i was waiting! Waiting for for brother Jim who was born 50 minutes after V. Imagine that! Waiting for the companion i had shared that tiny space with for all my life. (9 months)  Imagine the aversion of sharing Mama Nora with him and the clinging to his little body at the same time. Perhaps there was an initial freedom - space from Jim but frightening too. But then the longing for him. I experienced this over and over with my friend Phillip - who was always late because of course he was so incredibly busy. I remember concluding at some point that i am good waiting for someone for about 30 minutes. Then the waiting begins to change from patience to agony. Pure agony. 

So odd. So real. This is what UV triggered bullseye Wednesday night. Tuesday night and Monday night set up Wednesday night.  I was slowly getting a little worse and completely  unconscious of what was happening. Wednesday night  waiting triggered the core - palpable sense of self. i think what was triggered in V even precedes the psychological ego. Maybe this is what pre reflexive means. 

At some point the anger vanished yesterday - perhaps during his talk. But it took another night’s sleep for it to work itself out and for big mind to return. That core sense of agency that even precedes  ego - hard to conceptualize that shattering. 

Back to Kuti #9 - walking to room this morning V spied a long dark and very unfriendly looking snake silently and stealthfully sliding into the large, beautiful lily pond. Thinking about all these little frogs that go leaping so quickly from place to place. Now i know what they move so fast! 

leap quickly little frogs ! trouble lurks below.

Sat for 11/2 hours in Hall. No pain even the supposed unpleasant feeling in this guy was almost pleasant. So I have sat fairly continuously today and slow walked everywhere. As reported here over and over - it is clear that we don’t have a clue about what is coming next. For sure the inclination here will be to attach to these peaceful sits - consider myself as having come through a storm and i’m on to clear sailing now. And of course the ship will spring a new leak by the time I’ve put down this pen.

6:30 pm - Shades of Loonavala!  i’m sitting by my screen door, sun nearly across the horizon - tears streaming from these eyes, muttering, “Oh God, Oh God Oh God.” i’ve been here before - how many times?  Decided earlier to give me and fellow meditators a break and skip the taped Dharma talk tonight. It’s such a struggle to hear - at best 40% and that is at best. When he’s speaking softly its 20%. So i sat at 4:30 and the “good” sit continued unabated.  

9:20 pm - so I walked back to the Hall, slipped int the back and sat in a chair. UV’s talk was an hour and 15 minutes, but i did not even try to discern this words. slowly as i listened to the sound of his voice my mind got into that space of noting how the “before and after” just vanishes with sound each moment. the previous sound vanishes and that the one to come is yet of be born, As i listened i saw that all i hear is the sound in this present moment and suddenly i was experiencing the dissolution of formations moment by moment. It has lasted more or less until now. kundalini is really roaring. i sent loving kindness to all my dear friends and remembered with regret someone i was mean to many decades ago. 

Feb 20 - Saturday morning - 10:30 am  time for lunch. Very early for lunch in most places of course, but everyone eats very slowly and there has to be time to be finished before the sun reaches its zenith. (Buddhist monastic tradition.) Slept till the bells rang at 4am. Deep sleep, got up, probably the most concentrated since arriving. At least it felt different. Getting out of bed and going to bathroom, there was no need to “restart” mindfulness as there is with most mornings. it was in a serious place and that was that. Slow walked to 5 am sit probably left here by 4:20am. Concentrated sit then very slow eating meditation at breakfast. Again, mostly just being in this mind state. Sat from 8am to 10. At the end of the first hour energy started sagging and it felt as if a pin had burst a balloon. I had every intention of stopping at 9am - no disappointment - just accepting the natural ebb and flow but just before 9 the energy revved back up, concentration returned and so i sat for another hour. One amazing period - 15  minutes or so - people were talking in the courtyard  “the workers” Sayalay calls them. they talk fast and they talk loud. There is almost no effort to be quiet and that includes the teachers outside the meditation hall. Sometimes it is way over the limit but all the meditators (surely a few exceptions) seem to accept the noise with equanimity. This is 100% opposite an American meditation center where “we” are special and not to be disturbed. Asia is quite another matter! 

So as the workers were talking animatedly - i brought the awareness back to the rising of sound moment by moment and the same thing happened as last night. But this time I was able to watch the sound consciousness rise and fall. Literally, i could almost see it. And with that came the insight that the hearer rises with the sound exactly like the thinker rises with the thought. And of course the other senses do the same. It felt as though i was able to watch the end of the phenomena more today. last night it was the beginning. On to lunch.

1:30 pm must have done too much with right shoulder yesterday when washing clothes. Right arm is so painful today. Have tried to stretch it out but it probably needs rest rather than anything else. A little out of sorts, took a 45 minute nap after lunch - it felt good and woke in a good place. body is trembling with the kundalini - gentle though. 

Feb. 21 Sunday morning 7 am

i had a dream - almost none of it i can remember now. there were these guy returning from a long trek in the Himalayas  (think we were in Kathmandu)  They were completely broke, but that was normal for them and i had the idea of paying for a night in a warm hotel for them. One guy in particular still sticks in my mind. he was, maybe, 50, rough not particularly attractive, but he had this inner attitude that was so wonderful. He just accepted what is - with humor and goodwill. He said something like “all we have left is (something) and some frozen food.” I knew that he would be very glad to have a nice hotel room for himself and his friends, but would be just as glad and happy without.  i’ve never had a dream quite like that and he represented something so important to me. 

Today is the 6th Sunday away. Have no idea who is in charge at LBM. Skipped the DT last night, noticed that a few others did also. it was a tape of the guy who keeps clearing his throat. i tried to time it so that i can sit in the back for 30 minutes and then get to my cushion for the evening chant. Blessings and metta to all.

10:15 am.  After interview. It feels as if there has been a slight shift - the sits have all had a similar flavor for the past 2 or 3 days.  a stillness without drama. Almost boring? but not really. There is honing in on ‘the problem” as Krishnamurti put it. (the problem is VB)  - a sense - almost - that i have the power to change this. Now that is rather new! I have always assumed that i have no control over who is in charge. (big mind - little mind) when little mind occupies the space - when the sun disappears behind the clouds of these trivial , silly thoughts - i have to wait and hope that the weather will change. That “i” of course is none other than this VB. Also it never occurs to me that i have anything to do with “allowing” big mind to function in mindfulness (as when it literally took over one night at IMS as i was dipping the tea bag.) 

There was a moment last night when the mind started noting ‘lying” and i am sure that the ego stopped it. A conscious decision to stop mindfulness. So i have been contemplating walking around this morning with an empty head. Why not? If there is space - it will be filled by emptiness (sunyatta) or whatever noise the little mind can conjure up. Maybe that’s the true meaning of the old adage “Nature hates a vacuum.”  The little me thinks that emptiness or silence is a vacuum - but of course this is 100% wrong. If anything i create a vacuum! Isn’t that the meaning of vacuous? So this feels like coming out of a shift in awareness. We shall see. Interview with UV was okay. I feel as if he has lost some of the enthusiasm for me (his excited “Good!”) when I reported a belly ache and “Dharma related” ills. But VB is so narcissistic and Vive is still doing his job as teacher and doing it with love.

3:30 pm “The Buddha has entered the hall, so this place is most auspicious.”  Don’t remember where i read that. Sat after lunch for an hour and couldn’t decide whether of not to continue for a second hour - did and at 2:30 mind went into complete silence. No thought was allowed to enter the space. i could feel how thought would try to come in but it simply was not allowed. An experience so deep and an understanding that any conceptual thought simply stops an experience of the unconditioned. i feel so blessed.

Feb 22 - 10:25 am -  The shift seems to be quite real. Sat in hall last night 1 and 1/2 hours from 8 to 9:30. woke this am - should say, got our of be at 3 am. Walked outside and sat here till 4 am. It is interesting “The Buddha has entered the Hall” sit was so deep and i have been trying to go back there each sit since with no success. It feels as if there is a struggle between some urge for that deep Buddha sit where “this place is most auspicious”  and a smaller self that struggles to hold on to its reality. That may not be an accurate description but it’s something like that - a struggle is  going on beyond the reach of conscious awareness. i begin to see that at least for me - my ego has a limited capacity to maintain rigid control.  the thing i am most grateful for is that there are still 3 weeks of practice here. It is amazing to consider. Even if i were to go no further in terms of comprehension, this is remarkable.

4:40 pm  UV is giving a ‘live” d.t. tonight so VB will be there. Sat again at 3:30 and my conclusion is: VB is one dumb ass. Perhaps everything i said earlier is wrong or at least somewhat wrong. i think the one writing just so needs to feel that he has a handle on this. Somehow i have managed to push myself out of the beautiful space i’ve been in. now the kundalini sounds are screaming - the top of my head is burning and i feel really tired. perhaps this is the natural progression from the mountain top to the valley having nothing to do with pushing myself.  Who knows? 

(d.t.) Notes from UV’s talk:  He says that development unfolds in a relentlessly systematic manner leading to Path Fruition Knowledge. The destination is nothing but liberation from suffering. Main stages:  hearing the teaching which leads to verified faith - commitment to training, Sila, (restraint of the 6 senses)  accompanied by mindfulness - then meditation - learning to work with the 5 Hindrances is the first major hurdle. Once the hindrances are controlled - Knowledge of the 3 characteristics arises. The systematic path leads to liberation and arahantship. (a holy one).  (VB remembers that this is a description of the gradual path.) The Buddha says that the importance of Sila is that the meditator is not burdened with remorse or regret.  

9:35  - a letter from Peggy sitting on the table in the dining room. i got a Valentine from Theresa feb 12  so sweet. Peg’s is a real letter or newsletter about LBM . They seem to be doing okay - moving along. We are now officially a nonprofit organization. This is good news! Energy settled while sitting before U V’s talk. Sat at 8 pm and energy was quiet for 20 minutes of so. Then at that point concentration starts heating the brain and the sounds just got louder and louder. So i sat till 9 - i think it will subside during sleep - it usually does. Altogether it was . . . a good day. They all are.  Lunch tomorrow  will be dana from VB again. 

Feb 23 - 7 am. Woke feeling physically ill - first time since the cold. This felt very much like the beginning of another cold - runny nose, stopped - but also a stomach ache. (Dear U.V. is this “practice related?)  little joke. Got out of bed around 3:50  - no lights this early morning. Brushed teeth and walked to Hall.  So odd. The whole experience this morning felt strange - as if there was more to it than i could quite grasp. The sit was still - for which i was so grateful. Then after about 20 minutes meditation shifted to what i have been calling the Buddha visitation. It’s silly to say that - it isn’t a huge deal - but the little mind and body basically disappear. i cannot express my gratitude when this comes back - it’s like and old friend who I feared i would never see again has come back.  i realized something so important, and maybe i never have really known this Nothing in my life, absolutely nothing can compare with this state.  i have gone into that state many times since Barre ’87 for heavens sakes.  Perhaps stretching back. who knows how far?  i think of the transformation moment in Riverside Park when i was 32? but perhaps it goes back even earlier to the tent  revival when I was 16 years old. I have never understood the value of it nor have I ever consciously acknowledged that i would sacrifice everything for it. i would, i will.  

I sat and then walked in the Hall for about 15 minutes then sat again. At 5:30  waiting for the bell for breakfast it was so clear that there is no good reason to be waiting for anything.  Waiting is just suspending being present - being here - for some future event that has become more important then this present moment. So i got that and didn’t wait for the bell.

Just before walking to breakfast i thought about one more dana day of providing lunch and perhaps breakfast as well. Then came the thought, “ maybe I could ask them to give us some boiled eggs!”  Then the thought, “one cannot have both - the trivial thought and the big space. They are mutually contradictory.  (Wonder which state one should choose?) 

10:30 am  - after interview. Let’s see . . .”pay particular attention to any change in the R and F.  - he hints that a change is coming. if i find that the mind has wandered off of the R and F investigate why. Pay attention to any moment when the mind wanders.  Continue to examine formations. Do they exist? etc. 

Told U V that I have never doubted that i experienced stream entry at Barre 1988. Why? did i need to tell him? i have no idea. Don’t even think “need” is the correct word. Maybe it’s just for the record, so to speak.  Have never told that to anyone in all these years. it feels so egotistical and whether true or not - it is not something to say to someone. Of what use would it be? 

—- “Stream entry” is an elegant and brilliant aspect of the Dharma. An essay describing it will follow soon after these Notes from Lumbini are posted.

As i write, the sounds are very subdued - the high ones are an orchestra of strings with a central “hum” which seems to come from the heart. All quite pleasant. Brain/mind is still in that place i can never remember - it’s like a jewell one never knew he had. how could one ever forget this? But i do. I do.almost

Listening to one of the long timers (she has been here 5 months) whose interview is before mine, she has pages and pages of nuanced descriptions of her sits. Really quite remarkable. Today she stumped him - i felt sad. What does she expect him to do? Confirm that she is enlightened? Not really that. But for sure she is needing something, and he is not able to give it to her and her descriptions are so extraordinary. It reminds me of listening to a woman at the Forest Refuge who was describing the R and F and I was astounded. It was intricate and brilliant. I think the R was going into infinity before returning to the F or something like that. (There is never real privacy in these interviews. The next person comes and sits quietly during the last part of the previous interview. It is a great way to make the whole thing impersonal.)  and then there is VB whose interviews are laughable. I have almost nothing to report, and it’s almost true in every interview that I've had with both UV and Bhandha Manika. But never mind.

12 noon. had a little expectation that someone would thank me for the lunch dana (we write a little note to all the yogis on the dana board outside the dining room, “with good wishes”. etc.) Of course VB’s was lovely and “spiritual.” But no thanks, and i did not have much expectation thank goodness. Walking back to Kuti i was ruminating about it (a little) and remembered UV’s  “pay attention to how attached you are to formations.”  it  never entered my mind that this was a formation par excellent. Thank you! As i got that i noticed my interest in the workers getting the concrete ready to pore for a new Kuti. Oh! That’s a formation too. they rise moment by moment. Lunch was good. first day they have had cucumbers, which V. loves. Missed that formation as well. 

4:30 took a nap after lunch.  - am vague on time today. Went back to Hall and sat for an hour and 10 minutes. This has been a day of one hour sits. Have not attempted to push - when it feels ready to quit i quit. Sits have all been in the groove of this morning - the small mind fades and energy moves into a larger freer space. The cold seems to have vanished - good news. i was definitely feeling sick when i woke - did take Zycam 2 times this am. Perhaps it did the trick, who knows? Taped d.t. tonight so i’ll stay in Kuti until 6 pm.

Feb 25 - 9:00 pm.  i’ll ponder the past 2 days for a while. No conclusion and whatever happened it is still in process. In a way i’m still having “yogic” experiences after all these years. At least that’s how it seems. Way too tired to write much. Not sure what i “saw” yesterday at 4 pm sit - whatever it was completely beyond words. Also it happened so quickly and i was not able to “think” about it until today. During the sit - the same thing occurred - little mind faded - energy moved into larger freer space. But this time the energy got larger and little mind smaller and at some point the breath suspended - no impulse to breath in. This has happened a few times before.  As the energy seemed to expand - it seemed as if I saw a “stream” of white energy or light almost as if it separated - like a tributary breaking off from the main river. 

As I tried to remember what it looked like today - it could have been like a thin light shaped like a snake - with a formless white ‘head” at the end. It seemed to be seeking an opening where before it had been blocked. Then it suddenly found the opening it had been searching for and moved higher in the brain. At that point all the loud sounds and ringing disappeared and i experienced an inner silence that i have not known since 1988! i was overwhelmed with happiness - tears streamed down my face. Was this the end of that noise in my head? was this some kind of awakening? Whatever it was - it was huge. Now as i sit here 24 hours later with the little V firmly in place, the news of his awakening was a bit optimistic!  Yet it was significant. (love Shinzen’s famous line “subtle is significant.”) 

 i mentioned that Sayalay thought my practice had finally stabilized and perhaps what happened yesterday was the result of that stabilization. 

I have never doubted that the energy in this system got “stuck” somehow in that scary December night in Barre, 1988 and the result was this amazing noise in the brain which always got worse as concentration deepened in retreat after retreat for two decades. i believe that i “saw” some representation of kundalini finally reaching the top of the head (the female and male energy finally uniting in one system). 

it seems so absurd to say this at a vipassana retreat in Lumbini, Nepal!  But i cannot come to another conclusion. i told UV about this (carefully) in Vipassana words. Called it a “door” that the energy seemed to enter. “Door” is a good Vipassana word. He wanted to know if i was conscious” when this happened. Seemed like an odd question at the time. But i think what he was asking was if this occurred within mindfulness. Within mindfulness (to him) this would be a big deal. i did not know what to say and basically backed aways from saying i was “conscious” of it. He concluded that this was just a mind state and i should not get too attached to it.   

It’s hard even to express how profound this feels, and I am careful not to get too attached to what it means. As i write this, body is revved up from the kundalini - energy coursing - and the racket has returned and is fairly loud. it’s hard to believe that i wont wake up in the morning with the same situation, but we’ll see. In the past, every time the kundalini got to a certain point I had to stop sitting. yesterday it seemed as if the brain quieted down as concentration intensified. If this was not a fluke, it is a very big deal. Time to go to bed - get up and pee - go back to sleep - get up to pee, etc.

So much love in my heart for all beings. May we find peace and be free of suffering. 

February 26 4:14 am i guess it was right to be doubtful, and so much for Siva and Shakti! i had a dirty joke - well, not so dirty, just crude. i woke at 1 am with the kundalini roaring through the body. (Strange to say “i woke up at 1 am). The old condition returned almost as ‘bad” as Barre, seeming on the verge. Lying down the energy feels “collected’ at the back of the neck and i could feel  the beginning of those awful tremors that were so horrible in Barrie. Yes, i am certainly disappointed, just as the retreat seemed to have stabilized as Sayalay said and the amazing sit just 2 days ago. Now i feel like someone in a decompression chamber again (decompression or compression?)  

the Zen people talk about a cool head and a warm belly, and my condition is the exact opposite!  But somehow i am in a more positive frame of mind than when i woke. This is just my path - my “stuff.” Perhaps old Mr. U Pandita would say “It’s what you get for mixing 2 disciplines buster.” And perhaps he is totally correct. But what is done is done. i definitely have no intention of running away this time. 

9 am - Was able to sit and walk in the Hall at 4:30 am. That alone is reason for gratitude. the kundalini was not affected by the sit - but at least the sitting did not set it off as it has always done before. So even though there was not that uncanny stillness i’ve come to love, there was a sense of just sitting if that makes any sense.

We have a large group of visiting Thai monks and lay people (80 of them) who are in the Dharma Hall from 8 to 10 am. All their shoes and sandals neatly spread in front of the Hall!  So after breakfast we all had to practice in our rooms. i had 2 small bananas, and apple and some peanut butter and then came here.  On to interview the Sayalay now. Don’t know how much of this i can tell her but i’ll try to explain some of it.

Sayalay Bhadha Manika

10:30  am  Interview with Sayalay Bhadha Manika was exactly what the doctor ordered. And yes, she says, there is aspirin in the medicine cabinet. Maybe it’s just the heart connection but i am so deeply touched by her simplicity and deep wisdom. She just reflects back one’s grasping i suppose but it is powerful. i told her today that i am getting so tired of this relentless play of ‘i like like this, i don’t like that.” it’s absurd real

Today i felt a pang of compassion for a guy who has been relentlessly walking for days. All day long he walks with this grim look on his face. i am sure he is going through some tremendous upheaval. As i felt this compassion, i realized that i could look at him again in 10 minutes and criticize him for walking too fast, too slow or looking too grim or i could feel envy because he was walking too slow, etc.  How real is any of it? 

i understand that these two months have given me an opportunity to see how utterly banal this “normal” state of consciousness is. i go through each day liking this disliking that and not caring about the other. i swear it is impossible to say that am either greedy or hateful because i am both so strongly. (didn’t even mention the deluded part.) i go through a powerful sit of deep silence - goodbye to the ‘small” self  and here the small one is two minutes later. None of it seems really real except in a relative sense. None of it, absolutely NONE OF IT can be trusted. How to work with it if this isn’t even true?  Sayadaw and Sayalay would say : Mindfulness! Only mindfulness! VB would say, Stop believing your bullshit. Just note it. I believe my stories hook line and sinker.I talk about it over and over and over in dharma talks - yet i am the worst offender. It is amazing and pathetic.  i have a hell of a lot more to be concerned with than this stupid kundalini. 

Slow walking - relentless sitting - maybe they at least set the mind in the right direction. i don’t know. But at least this Friday morning it seems to me that my work could be done completely off the cushion. Stop Believing your bullshit VB!

2:05 i’ve written “formations” on the back of my hand.  Question for UV “isn’t a formation by definition volition?”  Simply seeing vedana rising  is not a formation?  Ah. answered my own question  all formations rise from avijja - and perception unnoticed becomes an inclination or volition.  (UV is off the hook!)

4:36 “Empty, nothing holy” Supposedly Bodhidharma’s response to a question about the highest holy truth. have been working with contact (phassa) and the rising of formations all afternoon. it is very powerful. Again one is reminded that the only way to do this is via Mindfulness. i am (empty nothing holy) inclined to say that mindfulness is mostly recollection. UV and UP have a somewhat ambiguous definition of sati as do we all i suppose. But it seems to me on this fine (really hot) Lumbini afternoon  that sati is essentially the facility that brings us back to practice. and this is similar to what UV and UP say. The Buddha seemed to say that it is bare attention - just seeing what is. (Krishnamurti’s choiceness awareness)  I have always been inclined to its Sanskrit definition of sati as remembering - or recollecting.  

i have a page taped to the door of Kuti #9 which says, “you must surrender to the Practice.”  That was January 31. next one says, “Somehow the sense of urgency still escapes me.” First taped that on my door in a little hotel in Crete, in 1977.  (Maybe it should be V’s epitaph.)  latest one says “Stop believing your bullshit.”

Yes, it’s noting “formations” but far more importantly it’s remembering the practice in the first place. VB got from the Hall to here w/o getting lost in one formation. UV was giving an interview  outside the Dharma Hall and i nearly got lost in that image but the mind was in the groove of watching consciousness grasp at objects so it was just noticed and passed on. This may well be the remaining practice for the last 2 weeks here. it would be wonderful if i could remember. Sayalay gives the Dharma talk tonight - only her 2nd one. i know she’s nervous about it. glad she is doing it.  

“May the light of Sati break through the clouds of delusion and guide me on the Way.” Who wrote that? 

Sayalay’s talk:  “The taste of freedom is in every single aspect of the Dharma just as salt is in every drop of the ocean.  Also, “an undeveloped mind is an “untamed” mind. Become aware of your mental habits - especially the negative ones.”  Also “the defilements are in the mind but also the path to salvation is in the mind,” and “an unguarded mind is an unprotected mind.

7:15 pm Talk about hog heaven, i confiscated an empty jar and brought back the ginger juice concoction. have 2 candles burning brightly - will sit and read. as mentioned above, no more pushing for the sake of being able to last till 9 or 9:30 pm. Sad to say I couldn’t hear Sayalay even though I put the cushion so close to her.  She talked so softly and read every word. As does UV. What is that about?

Feb 27 It’s 1 am and i’m wide awake. The news is that the kundalini is just roaring. Actually i suspect that the aspirin helped a little. head is not throbbing and heart feels - well, fairly relaxed.  That could all be imagination of course. Newsflash: answer to why i cannot remember is obvious of course. i knew it- just could not remember it! It’s anicca! of course. Impermanence. we wake up and we are actually new. So much of the stuff of yesterday is washed away, and all that really remains is the old habit formations - the deep patterns laid down through many years (and eons). These  patterns feel like “me.”  Within seconds of waking up all the memories come flooding in. and i’m ready to repeat “me” today.

It’s 1:20 am (Just writing “1:20am” because it’s rather ridiculous.) don’t think i should try to sit since energy is on the verge. Clearly the concentration just pushes the kundalini. When we were looking for aspirin last night - new little nun - so sweet - said something like “it’s the concentration - it makes your head” and she made a throbbing motion with her hands. Rose immediately went to the shelf where the aspirin bottle was.  it occurred to me then (and now) that these people UV,  Sayalay, etc. deal with “kundalini” - hot heads, ringing ears, all the time. sort of takes a little wind out of my “special” sails.

Again, i wonder if this supports U Pandita’s insistence that we not do yoga at a vipassana retreat. (at IMS they actually closed the yoga room when he was there in 1988.) What did we yogi’s do? We did our head stands in our rooms.  And yet - a yogi’s body breathes through the postures. I don’t mean through the nostrils or the mouth, but through the body/posture. A psychic told me that in NYC 40 years ago.  She said it’s far better never to start yoga if you are going to stop it. It’s like starving the body. Never forgot that.

One thing for sure, interview with Sayalay helped tremendously yesterday. it immediately took the drama out of my situation.  the “poor me” and far worse - -  the  “poor special me.”  it’s just what it is. it’s nama-rupa and an opportunity to work with this “ghost self” when it rises and wants to make a story up.  i suppose i’ll try to walk much of the day - and remember to watch the clinging to formations. Remember VB:  It’s not about watching formations rise or pass away, it’s watching the clinging to formations. Blessings and metta and plain old love to us all!

3am - have walked for an hour. Had not mentioned that the days have gotten progressively hotter. yesterday was 27 or perhaps 28c, but the nights and mornings are so cool and lovely. it has been most pleasant walking. have decided i may walk to Lumbini to look for an internet place after breakfast if UB does not offer his computer. Want to send emails to Cali and Peg. Also Buddha Air and if possible to the hotel.

6:30 am, the 5 am sit was strange. I was able to sit - kundalini  never got out of hand and as i write i notice that this is the quietest it has been in days. Did yoga at 4 am - first easy shoulder stand since i got here in January. Amazing how inexplicable everything actually is. Today it feels as if both shoulders are actually on the mend. Tomorrow they may be totally in pain.  Back to the morning sit - i certainly felt wide awake and there seemed to me decent mindfulness.  But i “jerked” maybe 3 times - absolutely drifting into sleep. i watched mind slip into dreamlike fantasy over and over. After about 30 minutes the sit shifted into that larger space that i love, but mind kept drifting off.  Near the end - the last 15 minutes or so i realized that the mind was frightened! How strange! Could feel it in the body (heart) as well as mind. What was it? My sense is that “i” felt some loss of control - and it was scary. 

10:15 am slept from 7 to 9 am. maybe i was really sleepy during that sit. Have walked and sat in hall for an hour. Kundalini is really tame now, can’t believe it.  it will heat up as day progresses.

“Formations’ still remains on back of hand. Watched something this morning - UV walking by? Don’t remember, but i remember my reaction to calling it ‘formations.” “What?”  ghost man asks. “He is real. Why call him a formation?” i see how utterly hard it is, and i see the wisdom of the Ch’an teachers who tell us to concern ourselves with emptying the subject - then we don’t need to worry about the object.  “Empty, nothing holy” rings true to me.

Sayadaw came up to my table at lunch and whispered that the computer would be in the dining hall at 3:15 today. I was ready to walk to Lumbini feeling uncared for.  This “i” is a piece of work. A few interviews ago i had bemoaned the presence of greed, hatred, and delusion saying that I longed for them to go! (i was obliquely referring to the fact that i had been so angry with Vive)). He said, ‘but in the case of continual mindfulness, where is the room for greed, hatred and delusion?” i thought his response was weak and inadequate but fortunately i kept this mouth closed. To me the  goal is the eradication of greed, hatred and delusion. not suppressing it with mindfulness. As i thought about it later is saw in retrospect complete eradication may be what ‘sudden enlightenment” is (how would i know?) but what UV was suggesting was the truth of the gradual path. Which is the Vipassana path. There may not be much we can do about reaching the unconditioned but there is a hell of a lot we can do about cultivation.   

2:33 sat from 1 to 2 pm kundalini is now “settled” as if it is back to a base level. i was able to sit the entire hour w/o any real disturbance. Cannot believe it. But it appears to be so. For the 1000th time, VB will say: you cannot depend on one single thing staying the same. These 6 weeks have been an amazing teacher.

5:15 taped d.t. so vb is taking a break. Actually the entire day feels like taking a break although i have sat and walked and for heavens sakes i’ve been up since 1 am!  The computer would not connect with internet so we will try again tomorrow night i think, but i will push the idea of going to Lumbini at our interview. He is not being - kind? maybe he is not being patient. i don’t know, but it is clear that it is more than he wants to do. i am so dysfunctional around a computer - he always in such a hurry.  Probably i am just taking it too personally (aint that what a person does?)  The work with clinging to formations has been so helpful and i have not been stuck in it very much.  

i am amazed to say this - (how many “amazes” in this journal?) but after all the ups and downs and dramatic statements then changing my mind - it really looks as if what i wrote about “seeing” the kundalini find an opening upstairs was really true. But now it is no big deal at all. i was in tears when it occurred  but now it seems like yesterdays news. Time to throw out he old LA Times. My one hour sit at 3:20 was exactly that new inner space that emerged three days ago, temporarily disturbed by the kundalini eruption. Now when i sit the whole thing calms down. The energy pushes out to the periphery  of the body - like it becomes a breath body. That’s what it feels like. 

7:45 lights are out again. last night V just gave up and went to bed at 8 something. tonight i’ll try to walk. Om Shanti Shanti Shanti. 

9:08 So the jury is in and it is a unanimous verdict. VB is simply stupid. i did as i said, walked for awhile and felt so good. Decided i can sit at least till 9 pm now that this thing seems to have stabilized. Never mind that every time i have sat after 7 pm it just activates the kundalini. Well, i did, it did, and here i sit with two candles lit and a fire going up my spine.  i swear. Maybe i have learned it this time? Nighty night!

February 28.  Got up around 2:30 , woke to an entirely quiet brain. impossible to describe but it felt so wonderful. sponge bath , brushed teeth and walked to hall wondering what the sit would be like. Sat from 3 to 4 am. The sounds did not come back and the sit was basically like the the ones i have had since the kundalini “merged a few days ago. But this one was very uneventful. i just sat. There was a recognition at some point that this is cultivation. A little restlessness after 45 minutes - very helpful to notice it accurately and enquire “just who is restless?” So there you go. Quite a beginning to this Sunday.

after breakfast, “he” is really manifesting this morning (aversion while watching a guy grabbing all the apples in the bowl - leaving none for the others still in line.)  “he” is pure extrovert. i wonder - is extroversion  just inferior to introversion? it’s hard to believe but it seems to me that these introverts don’t have to do a 180 degree turn in order to be inside. Perhaps the analogy goes both ways  - they have a much harder time focusing back in the world so to speak. Don’t know (of course.)

12 noon But look. “He” was manifesting all morning long and then at 8 am VB had the most profound sit. Now the kundalini was quiet. This sit,  one was looking at the mind - at emptiness and seeing that mind is mind. Not VB’s mind, but all minds are the same - empty and aware. It was so clear that what i call “my” mind is really a ‘bodymind.”  It thinks with the body - it imagines itself with arms and legs because it is so intimately connected to the body. The body needs to pee, not the mind, but it is the mind that says “i need to pee.”  the mind needs to go to the meditation Hall, but it is the body that walks there. Nama-rupa each affects the other. Each depends on the other. The mind can separate itself from the body (living in the head) but it is still a body mind. the big mind does not think of feel or even see with the physical eyes. It just is. It is pure awareness. This is what i saw this morning.  

At interview, UV said, ‘pay as careful attention to the R and F as possible as long as you can feel it. Course or fine, smooth or rough, soft or hard. And if you no are no longer able to detect it - make the predominate object your focus. if it’s emptiness - note “emptiness.”  He wanted me to describe what I saw when i looked at the mind during the sit. I said, ‘all i saw was emptiness.” he then asked, “so was it like space?  Was it like an astronaut flying through space?”  

i wasn’t able to answer. In past sits  i have had that sense exactly - flying through space. but  this didn’t seem to be a subject observing an object.  i was at a loss for words.  After the interview i realized that what i could not put into words was that there was no astronaut. it was just space experiencing space.  

March 1 11:45 am Ta da! Slowly the transition from here to March 14 will develop. I will need to double check that the Bhairahawa flight is still on schedule  - i need to contact Himal Gamesh for a room and ride from he airport - get a a taxi to the airport from here - all i can do next week.  i finally got Verizon Central but the username was invalid. so i am sure i just got mixed up. it took forever to manage UV’s portable computer and with him standing there i made mistake after mistake. it isn’t really important.  

At the interview with Sayalay, she said “you still have time.” There is this pressure to get to the first level of enlightenment (stream entry) although it is never mentioned - at least this is how it seems to me. Sometimes i find myself pushing for God knows what. As if an entry is based on increasing intensity of practice in the body mind. Sometimes it feels counterproductive. The only thing that seems true to me is that it is the wisdom that takes us where we need to go. 

7:45 pm - walking to the Hall for the chants (after the taped d.t.) i asked ‘now why am i walking so slowly?” Answer: “ so that you can practice mindfulness” i swear. Surely i knew this one. Yes? (i think i murdered my second mosquito). The simple answer is that we have to slow everything down in order to pay attention. It sounds so basic but in fact i was always so addicted to speed. “Faster then a speeding bullet” is way people described me in NY.  and the sheer effort to slow down goes against my instincts. Perhaps that’s true for most of us. The mosquito returned and i took another whack at him.

9 pm - really tired. sat for an hour - lots of mindfulness.  goodnight.

March 2 - 6:45 am a lot between 9 pm and now. Kundalini was roaring when i want to bed - left shoulder hurt all day yesterday - but less sore than the right one!  and the mosquito that I murdered was waiting patiently for me the moment the lights were off. The nights are pleasantly warm now - but i still wear my little wool hat to protect from the mosquitos and for some reason (i wont call it stupidity) i still sleep under two wool blankets on top of a heavy cover.  Oh  yes, and my left ankle is swollen and feels sore. I started to massage it last night and the pain in my right shoulder felt like a knife. I could only laugh.

So at 12 am he was wide awake and sweating like a horse. i was also aware of how loud that damn lily pond is at night. The frogs go wild after we go to bed. An amazing racket plus the bird calling all night long. Birds do not seem to sleep in Lumbini. That would include this byrd.

So i remembered a mosquito net left on the bench by the guy who left yesterday. and i decided that if nothing else I would just spread a meditation net over me. (the nets form a “pod” around the meditators in the Hall and we look like aliens from another planet. 

i had noticed that there was an odd arrangement of ropes on the ceiling above this bed and i wondered if it was for a mosquito net but i could’t see how it would work.  So i walked to the Hall and got Bart’s net - and lo and behold was able to tie it to 3 corners which was enough to do the job. The net has a number of small holes in it which are large enough for a clever mosquito - but this was far better than no net at all.  took off the wool hat and the 2 blankets and mercifully fell sound asleep soon after,.

Woke with the beautiful 4 am bells. Good sleep but not quite enough. I managed to sit up eventually, pulled off the net and voila as soon as the net was off here swooped my arch enemy who landed on my leg and prepared to feast. It was his Last Supper.  i thought - well, i’ve become at Hindu temporarily. Very funny. Really, i would l00 times prefer to catch him and take him outside as I have done with countless little critters. But never mind.

So i walked to the hall with mindfulness. This was one of those rocket taking off sits - but also very strong attention to nama -rupa. Watching body slump - desire to straighten up - seeing that there was no “me” who could “straighten up” - only a spine. Also seeing that the head does not have a”me” or nama-rupa in it.  it’s just part of the body mind. This awareness was so clear this morning. Perhaps just the simple exercise in mindfulness last night and this morning helped. 

An observation: it’s crucial to distinguish between a note, which must be from the impersonal  and a note coming from the conscious ego.  i can say ‘walking” or “standing” or “seeing” from the perspective/feeling of “i am walking, i am standing or i am seeing”, etc. it’s so subtle! (‘subtle is significant” - thank you Shinzen Young)  But a true note is coming from impersonal observation. This is truly “Mindfulness 101”  and this is why sati is so difficult to put into words and why i can barely hang on to the real truth of what it is. 

i forget that that true seeing is - wow, this is hard to put into words. “Seeing” is an observation of the actual reality -if one is really noticing seeing they are thrown back into awareness and removed from being fused with the object. Same with sound, taste, etc. It’s so powerful but i don’t think i’m describing it here.  Anyway, it was quite a morning. 

10:30 am What happened?  finished interview with UV. Did he know? i think he did. i sat before the interview and could hardly bear to leave the mountain top. The breath stopped again and again i did not fight it, but this time as the head got hotter and the fear of death got stronger i did not react. One goes through some sort of passage - but of course its not a physical passage. At some point i felt something so huge take over and for about 20 seconds i was uncertain if i was breathing or if the heart was beating but the peace was beyond all words. i sat that way for 30 to 40 minutes knowing that the interview with UV was coming. Finally i got it together and walked to the interview. I did not mention this - basically i was not much able to conceptualize anything at all. As i say I think he knew and left it alone

Much later i discovered a second mosquito net almost w/o a tear and put it up replacing Bart’s . So i was supposed to have a mosquito net over the bed this entire time! and now i see how the ropes on the ceiling make sense. It’s hard to comprehend how stupid VB is, i say that  with no meanness intended. Just tickles me because so many people admire brilliant VB. What a joke! i just assumed since there was not a net in Kuti #9  and those hooks on the ceiling made no sense to me that - (please hold your laughter! ) The Room Was Mosquito Free! i’ve thought a lot these past few days about my dad and how unbelievably clumsy he was. Actually, he was an athlete and had a real natural grace about him, and women fell all over him. But from the beginning of my early years i saw his complete ineptness - holding his thumb over a camera lens and complaining that there was something wrong with the camera. Of course, i kept saying, “it’s your thumb.” it’s probably a miracle he didn’t strangle me. I think that he was not in his body in a certain way - or something like that.  i get completely befuddled by physical things and screw up the simplest tasks (UV’s computer, the mosquito net) and that this is Elmer Byrd in V.  Wow!  

1 pm - after lunch - sat for an hour, exhausted. and would like to sleep but mind is wide awake. It’s 28 c and i was a funny sight trying to get to my room after the interview. The sun was so hot, but I could barely walk in a straight line, let alone walk quickly. 

3:20 - finally slept for maybe an hour. Huge storm. like a Santa Ana - windows shaking, leaves flying in the air. it has such a strange effect given V’s mental condition. Just this moment, looking out  window it looked like there was a ghost monk standing on top of the pile of gravels (for the new Kuti)  it was UV! - robes flying in the wind running across the top of this big pile of gravel pointing here pointing there to two workers. He is really something, and whatever that something is he is truly it. Underneath the facade, he is really impersonal. Students who push or grab at time get more from him because he just gives where it is needed. But ultimately he is not much in personal reality.  

“Vive” keeps on giving.

Sitting here w/o pants on looking at this old body. Left ankle is badly swollen, it stretches into the arch of the foot. left shoulder is worse- and skin. My God. it must be the humidity but the skin has aged. Can it have aged this fast in 7 weeks?  Back of hands - inner arms all the way to wrists completely wrinkled! Was i just unable to look?  Hard to believe that i actually mind, but this is the mosquito net guy talking. 

As for '“me’” I’ve managed to get on the floor and so some forward bends - took a break to write this and will do some more yoga. I feel so strange.  Whatever happened this morning it continues. I don’t know whether it’s just a matter of disorientation and adjustment or if if am experiencing something ongoing. i have to confess that my request this morning was for the dying process to to continue. Also, i am more and more convinced that the earlier experience (Siva and Shakti got married) was no fluke, but in some way a precursor to this. UV said that the profound silence V experienced was just another mind state and i questioned my own judgement (ego certainly was present wanting validation from UV) but i don’t question it now.

March 2   DT - six sense restraints - gradual path-  He says this retreat is really important. (Tell me about it!) Not getting caught in grasping formations - walking down city  streets looking around - person walking toward you - 2 legs, human form, male, female, the way they walk, graceful, clumsy, features, shape of face, mouth, hair. When senses are not restrained we want them or we don’t like them. Totally unguarded senses destroy concentration. 

UV says to cultivate an attitude of being in a cocoon - barely aware of the “outside” world. during this walk, i wont look around.”  Going slow.  These are all keys to sense restraint. 

March 3 - 12 noon, after lunch. Sort of at a loss for words (no laughter please). Yesterday afternoon and evening were tough in a sense. i felt so disconnected - almost uncomfortable in the body.  Wanted something - some sort of comfort that was no where - at least no where outside. The Dharma talk last night was good, Vb could hear which was nice, and it was on the 6 sense restraints.

Today follows somewhat logically for a change. i am better, quieter inside - still a little discombobulated. I don’t know what i experienced yesterday. No illusions about the big E, but i sense something that is different - changed. Remember Auden “We would rather be ruined than changed.”  

March 4  10:20 pm  Sitting on bench before interview - looking at the scene - it was clearly just a picture - form and color nothing to like or dislike. Remembering Layman Pang; “Its like a wooden man’s body seeing a picture of flowers and birds. The wooden man’s body itself has no feelings and the painted birds aren’t startled when meeting the man.”

After interview with UV - Lots of instruction; pay very close attention to every little moment of the R and F. Don't push! Recognize if the mind is in a pure state. If there is a predominate object let the mind get so close to it that there is nothing else. not V just the object and the observation. 

Here i am - a few days after enlightenment and transformation. Same old bird, same old problems and of course no enlightenment and transformation! i see that i keep trying to push “me’ over the hill, using that “burst of power” as Ta Hui puts it. The power of concentration, which has steadily grown and stabilized over the past 2 months is not sufficient for an experience of the unconditional. Here’s a slogan for my wall: There is no substitute for Wisdom. The truth is that “me” will never climb over the hill. It is an oxymoron. 

i was thinking moments ago how this retreat has put me in touch for the first time in my life with Elmer in me. So it occurs to me that Elmer has to be part of this process. Wisdom was not his strong suit, energy was. Cleverness and perhaps a capacity for joy and pleasure but not wisdom. So i want to give him a chance to be here too.

“Everyone wants to wakeup but no one wants to die.” 

1145 - after lunch. So. (i am enjoying the word “so”) i am feeling an upswing - it is a never ending cycle of ups and downs and in betweens. i contrast this with the magical feeling i had after the big sit on Tuesday. i felt “special” - i felt deep concentration but i did not feel this way - a sense of what? just understanding - seeing what needs to be done. i know that there will be a few more ups and downs in the next 8 days starting tomorrow. Maybe another “Big” sit, but whatever comes, it’s okay - it’s okay.  i feel some compassion for the Elmer in V and that curious childish part in everyone. I see how most of us leave our most despised parts out of our conscious experience and I see how it will not work.

4 pm - It’s 28 c outside. This Kuti is definitely on the cool side which i notice the moment i step outside. What a difference from 10 c! i beat a hasty retreat here after sitting from 1:15 to 2:30 and then walking in the sun. Man. Sat here for 30 minutes - planned to do yoga but too beat. A nap? yoga?  UV gives ‘live” DT at 5:30 pm. VB will be knocked out by 9pm.

9:17 pm - did take a short nap and then did some yoga and sat.  Before walking to the Hall for the DT i decided to practice using UV’s instruction to pay very close attention to every little moment of the R and F.  Got to the stage fairly quickly where i notice little breaks in continuity 1,2,3, as i usually do. This time i got really interested and tried not to count them. Began to discover that i could not watch the R and F without controlling it, so i slowed way down and just focused on the initial moment of the R.  Something happened then - all i can say is that i became aware that it was actually a break in consciousness not a break in the rising movement of the R.  Oh my! This happened in no more than 10 minutes because it was time to head for the d.t.. As i got to the outer court in front of the Hall i began to notice that i was experiencing everyone like in a movie, frame by frame. This sure takes a lot of the “personality out of it! i was back in that state of watching sound arise moment by moment but this time it was vision. That set off an extraordinary samadhi that lasted through the entire d.t. and one hour sit from 8 to 9 pm.  it slowly ebbed and then i walked like a snail back here. i cried a little, okay some drama, but it was the most blissful state. man oh man. The thing is, i was happy and responded to UV’s questions (he asked us a lot tonight) and there was absolutely no projection. i looked at him with clear comprehension. How stunning. this after feeling so tired this afternoon.  So the mind has had major “Think Dharma” today. We may be tired tomorrow. Or not!

March 5, 8:50 am.  Or not indeed. 7 pages left in my journal! Slept soundly - i think only one pee break. Woke at 3 am and went back to sleep till 3:45. woke up and head was filled with the loud sounds. All of the concentration - bliss vanished. Mind state was ?  no negative reaction, at least.  Walked to Hall around 4 am and sat - fairly okay, sounds settled down, but felt exhausted. Walked in Hall at 5:00 thinking i could reenergize and sit till breakfast but 10 minutes of that and I was on my way to Kuti # 9 in a semi stupor. All i could see was that bed (no longer despised). Slept till breakfast. Ate in a daze though, about a second cup of Nescafe before returning to bed. Did have a second cup and lo and behold, energy began to return gently and slowly a smile returned to my face. Returned to room and slept till now. Feel the energy is in place now. A moment ago just before getting up watching thoughts about the stuff needed to be done next week and they would quickly disappear within the light of awareness. 

Sayalay returned from Kathmandu last night, so i have an interview with her at 9:50 am. She brought news that U Pandita has decided to come back here next February and teach a one month retreat. Everyone is thrilled. Would V do it?  Questions to ponder.

1 pm - interview with Sayalay - keep practicing! she says. I used to say to clients that the one thing i believed in was “process.” These 2 months confirms that belief in every way. i have not and do not understood one iota of this but in every way it has mirrored my belief in process. Constant change, total unpredictability and a gradual movement toward the Real.  

March 6 - 1215 pm I go back to the sit where i could only stay with the the first little “break” of the rise and fall which set off the awareness that it wasn’t little breaks in the R and F but in consciousness. Why did this have such a huge effect? Who knows, but reading back one can see that it triggered a deep samadhi that night. (I think this is what is meant by a Vipassana samadhi rather than  Samatha?) i wonder. So the need for sleep has continued. This am i woke seemingly with good energy - sit was in the same mode as since that night. Had breakfast and then back here and slept till 9 am. Deep sleep with interesting dreams. Then went to Hall and sat from  9 am to  lunch. in some ways this sit was as deep as the the one two nights ago. i actually found myself sitting immediately after lunch - but only for a few minutes. It felt as if i was pushing for “more” and i let go and came here. Remembering what UV said when i complained that i have such little detail to describe in sits (compared to what i hear from others) - not sure what he said - and now i think he was vague on purpose. he seemed to say that there are no words to describe some experiences - or something  like that.

When i look at these younger sitters - many of whom are so devoted and sincere in their practice, it seems as if they are able to fold  their practice it into the Mahasi Vipassana framework. Clearly, the golden Buddha on the altar and the 3 deep bows is not in any sense something that i relate to. i’ve not judged it either. Nor the formula Dharma talks straight out of the Theravada playbook. But no criticism is intended.  

March 7 - 6:50 am  Eighth Sunday in Lumbini. only 25 degrees yesterday - how much cooler 25 is compared to 28. So walked to the little “dharma store” with its one filing cabinet and gave some dana to my favorite two people, the cook and the nun, who have been such a delight. The young nun burst into tears, and it is clear that she has become very attached to VB’s big smile.

Rose just passed by my window on her way back from breakfast. Took at her least 30 minutes at that pace. Totally graceful, mindful. I would love to see a longitudinal study of stream winners - say a questionnaire that they fill out once a year. Actually, i would love to interview each of these meditators i’ve met here. How far did they go? Was this life changing?

 Jay walked by  - and told me that there is indeed a little internet place in Lumbini village. 

So it was cool and i washed VB’s body. had already decided to take a break from sitting - and walking to the village. Naturally i got lost on the way. Guy splattered water on me  from a hose with no apology, and i was pissed. So much for equanimity. Actually, i guess VB has a lot of equanimity now. Even the water spraying didn’t last in VB over 30 seconds.

on my way to Lumbini village

Found an internet place - 3 guys were using the computer. i sat for an hour and finally gave up and walked back to Panditarama. Lumbini village is like a miniature Kathmandu.  All one sees is suffering. 

Sit this morning was strange. The first 45 minutes the sit was still, mind peaceful but the mind/body was restless. But when the mind goes into “3rd gear” -  time changes and there is nothing wanting to move.  

After that, walking back from breakfast i thought about the poem from the Upanishad  - two birds sitting on the same tree and this is what  i see after 7 weeks here. there is a big mind and a little mind. maybe the big and little minds are still part of the ego (silly byrd) don’t know. But I do know that when the big mind emerges from a sit like it did this morning i get reconnected to a stream of wisdom or intelligence that cannot be described. Even knowing that it exists astonishes me. Small mind asks “do I dare to eat a peach?” it judges compares and chatters away. (like that little bird on the tree) i suspect that there are Three Minds: small mind, big mind and no mind.  

2:14 - Here’s one for the books. Sat at 1:00 pm and decided to really pay attention to the R and F moment by moment as U V keeps urging. it’s amazing how illusive it is. I catch it for a second but then it’s on its merry way. For sure i have reached the point of understanding that it’s the observation that slips off the object. So i decided to renew my effort and i tried again. When it was clearly as impossible as it usually is, i switched to the touch sensation in the hands and other object as they arose. Much easier. But at the same time not a big deal. i’ve done that for years.  (Probably not well either.) Ready to end sit - thought of making another try at the village until i felt the heat outside. I swear, old VB would not make it (one mile) in that heat, and that is not the slightest exaggeration - sitting in Kuti # 9 with 3 windows all open and a strong breeze. Quite pleasant.

So it’s 1:50 or so and he’s ready to quit the sit but he decides to go back to the R and F one last time. Noting that first impulse - watching how the sensation changes as the stretch increases and suddenly there was this question - just who is looking at this? Where are they located? I wrote about this maybe a month ago when I noticed that the observation was not coming form the eyes (a little person in the head). That was very powerful maybe even an insight. Don’t remember. this time it was as clear as a bell going BONG. Why, no one is looking! There’s no one in there to look. the R and F is an impersonal process part of the living body of course. What was so amazing (that word again) there was this recognition, “oh yes - I remember that.” it was no big deal even though it was a huge moment. It occurs to me that what is so brilliant about choosing the R and F as an object is that is is precisely as illusive as trying to hold on to a greased pig. The momentary concentration makes it difficult for the mind to slip into sustained concentration and then absorption (Samatha).

Such a small world. The woman who precedes me in some interviews with U V and Sayalay gave me her card after our interview this am. Turns out she was the person at the Forest Refuge who had to leave in the middle of the retreat. I think that I went up to her and said something. Her father had just died, so of course she was quickly out of there. I remember so well because i found her so elegant and such a wonderful meditator. We talked for a short while and she told me that this is her 3rd retreat with him, this time for 5 months. And Alessi who is here was at the retreat i attended in Italy two years ago. That promise of “gaining the dharma” is surely enticing. And yet, surely it is the journey that is crucial not the destination. This is the core of the Mahasi technique. We are going for stream entry and beyond. 

6:00 pm - called hotel Ganesh Himal - they had only one room, a double, left. Glad i called today!  We are supposed to keep an accurate account of the time (to pay them back) so I held a clock in my hand and when we had finished I did not have the slightest idea of how long the call took. What a mind! I doubled what it probably took.  Fine. Supposedly they will have a car there. There has been a national taxi strike the past week. 

March 8 - -  9:10 am  Woke this am from a dream with voice in head saying “let go of every object. One by one let each object go.” it was the strangest thing. “It” had been saying that in a dream and kept going as i woke. Sat for 30 minutes and got up and walked to the Hall at 3 am. Pitch dark in there - lit two candles and sat till 4. Walked so slow but could not walk in a straight line. Still cannot by 9 am. Feels as if i have had a slight stoke (feel so light, almost like floating)  but this is only some continuing process. i think i have let go of every single mind object that has occurred since waking. Is that even possible? Can barely write - - - 

8 am sit was luminous. VB was no where and this body seemed suspended in golden light. walking to that sit mid-way on the walk from Kuti to Hall. V just suddenly stopped and walked on air the rest of the way. So strange - there was no decision or thought to slow down and i was already walking like a snail. But something needed to do what it did. The observer just watched. So this does not feel like ending a retreat. Of course mind knows it is ending with the anticipation of what comes next: trip to Bhairahawa airport and on to Kathmandu spend the night there and then the flight to Singapore and spending one night there, then on to LA. It seems like a lot for one who has been so still for so long.  But interesting.  

10:30 After interview with Sayalay “Keep going.” she urges. “notice every object as it rises.” So odd, in a way it seems contradictory, “let go of every object” and “notice every object.” but perhaps they have the same meaning. Perhaps real noticing is letting go? The kundalini has continually been following some natural rhythm or process - unknown to V of course! i notice that for the past two days it does not move up into the head when i sit. In the past 20 years it always did. Now it seems to stay in the torso, legs, etc., and it means that none of the sits have been that dramatic - pressure, heat, etc. All of this changed since the sit where i “saw” some sort of opening in the head and a white energy going through. Quite astounding. Here i sit ready for lunch and another “live” d.t. at 5 pm. and there are still 4 days of practice left. it’s a lot of time and it’s no time. Blessings and Love to all my dear relations.  It will be good to return.

3:28 - - more (of course) at lunch  - - (he cannot write!) VB was eating mindfully and in a good space, however disoriented, and perhaps this happened 2 or 3 times or even more. i would see that the mind had wandered into thought and a sound or mindfulness itself would bring me back to present moment awareness. Suddenly it occurred to me, “well this is abnormal. Shouldn't one be awake all the time?” Sounds strange and ridiculously obvious i guess. But clearly not obvious to some part of VB. so i sat for the rest of lunch just there - hearing every sound; voices, birds, the cat, noises from the kitchen, feeling the sensations in the body as it resonated to the sounds, seeing objects, eating, chewing. It was as if i had just taken my first bike ride. This comes, i suppose from noticing every object as it occurred this early morning.

A little fly is sitting smugly on my thumb. He kept going for the head but we made an agreement: he can camp out on the thumb - just leave the face alone.

Dharma talk live! (on the gradual path)  

1. Mind relentlessly wants to grab at a physical or mental object.  

2. Meditation is a gradual reducing of the bondage caused by mind’s attachment to objects. 

3. We nest in the 5 skandhas. 

4. It’s easier to accept anicca than dukkha (!) Walking is happening all by itself; R and F are occurring all by themselves; we experience this only when we stop manipulating events. 

“There are two basic processes: physical phenomena and mental phenomena. They are connected by cause and effect.  Only after seeing these two processes through the second insight can vipassana practice actually begin. third insight is comprehension of the 3 characteristics. “Whatsoever there is of the 5 aggregates contains the three characteristics.” 

the mind sees that nothing is permanent and nothing is under our control. From that comes disillusionment and disappointment. the mind begins to “turn away” from its old habits and starts to look for a way that lies beyond this trap. Bold statement: there is a place of freedom and happiness. Craving and will gradually fade away.”

March 9 - Woke at 3:00 am  but just couldn’t remember why it would be good to get up. Occurred to me a moment ago that we don’t need to wake up. We need to stay awake. 

went to hall at 4:40  and had”worst” sit in days!  50 minutes seemed like 2 hours. No energy. Mind just pictured that bed in Kuti # 9.  Hard to believe. And mind really thinks there is a way to escape dukkha. (clever mind!) But energy started pouring in about the last 10 or 15 minutes  and breakfast was okay, meaning that there as at least some mindfulness returning.  But there was no doubt where VB was heading and soon he was sound asleep in his bed. So funny! The bed that once felt as hard as a rock gets increasingly soft!  Slept until 7:45 - almost an hour. i was desperately trying to get a huge 747 in the air - it was skimming the top of the ocean and so close to crashing. Humm . . . struggled with desire to sleep on until 8 am sit but got up and slow walked till 8 am sit. Energy was back in body and that was that. Feel basically back on track - not walking side to side like a stroke victim.  it’s all amazing. (did i say that already?) 

10:00 after interview. continue to pay attention to R and F - bring microscopic attention. Try to make the mindfulness continuous. (key)  Don’t attach to the calm and tranquillity. (just note “calm”) If the R and F becomes too subtle, move to the predominate object - it there is no predominate mind object, note the mind state. If i am noticing “calm” stay with it and see if it changes into something else.

So here we go - Tuesday in Lumbini. i will need to wash some clothes one more time  - just enough soap left - perhaps Thursday - clean room. Friday try again with the little internet place.  

5:40  - sat from 2 to 3 pm good energy. stayed fairly mindful. Nothing like those 30 minutes at lunch two days ago. i told this to U. V. at the interview, and he said “but i said long ago” (at the Forest Refuge) “that mindfulness means being conscious of one object at a time.” I said,” yes but one has to find that out for himself.” He nodded, “of course.”  i think that a lot of our resistance to continuous mindfulness comes from the fact that we actually feel that we are conscious beings. We are so used to a constant slipping in and out of a semi-conscious state every few seconds that it feel abnormal to stay awake. 

After sit i did a long slow gentle yoga session. Sitting between each posture. Had more to do - plow and shoulder stand -  but i got so extremely still that it felt wrong to continue. i write from that place now. It almost makes one sick, but hard to explain -  i feel so light it feels as if something must be wrong. Will soon go the end of the taped d.t. And did i mention that is is all amazing? 

In the dream that i had a couple of nights ago where i woke to a voice saying “let go of every object,”  there was the strangest little scene - like an interview. Someone asked me, “You’re not a woman are you?”  It seemed odd because the people interviewing me clearly saw that i was a man and i certainly knew it. I responded, “no.”  Then after lunch i was walking back to Kuti #9 and saw Allesi walking slowly in my direction with a grin on her face. She was at the retreat in Italy and she walks as slowly and mindfully as Rose. So i was surprised at her smile because she has never spoken to me except when we said goodbye as she was leaving the retreat in Italy. She said,” Even though you are not a woman, i wanted to give you something.” it was a Cadbury chocolate bar! She speaks with a wonderful Italian accent and has the most beautiful eyes i have seen in quite a while. Later I learned that today is Women’s Day and for whatever reason she chose me for that delicious gift. Jung’s synchronicity i guess. So interesting! 

March 10 - Energy was back by this morning’s 5 am sit. Mind kept asking “who is this?” at one point “i” answered “a thing.” dharma means “thing” in Buddhist teaching. The paradox is that all “things” are without “thingness” - they are empty.  

i must say, when the energy comes pouring back it is just wonderful. Walking  back from breakfast - feeling such joy. Such gratitude!  last week i would have gone to breakfast and made a bee line back here to sleep. So i woke at 5:40 am and the kundalini had calmed way down. Amazing! Really that is the word i keep feeling. had breakfast and went to hall and sat at 6:30. body just floated on what feels like an air cushion .Walked back here feeling the “call of nature” or better said a bm. Walking with eyes open i realized that body was floating the way it does with the eyes closed. Invariably the phenomena ends when the eyes open, but not this time and it lasted during the walk. i take the strangest little baby steps - but it just feels right to walk this way. Writing is hard on brain right now - and i’m on my way to the 8 am sit. For sure there’s a gradual adjusting to what the kundalini “needs.”  for sure it needs sleep. 

March 11 - 3:45 am - woke at 3:00 am have walked around lily pond but am having a hard time getting started. Feel tired -Kundalini has been active since yesterday. Will try to wash clothes and clean room today or wait till tomorrow if energy stays low.

7:40 am - kept trying to walk to 5 am sit, but the head was just bursting with “the energy.”  “Bursting” is too extreme -not even close to 1988 but it’s like that, sort of, and body in general - heart feels on overload. So for the first time in two months, i got back in bed! i had tried that around 4;20 but the noises just got louder and louder so i got back up. Am relatively sure that it would have gotten worse had I gone to sit. The Kundalini would have taken over and i would have gone to breakfast and made a bee line back here to sleep as i did last week. So i decided to to try to sleep it off - whatever that means. By “the first time in two months” i mean that i skipped the 5 am sit. i may have done that previously after sitting at 4 or 3:30 am probably - but i’ve never not sat before breakfast. 

Writing is hard on the brain right now (hard to explain but can feel how conceptualization causes pressure on the brain).  On my way to 8 am sit. 

10:34 am last interview with U.V. “You’ve made tremendous progress but there’s still work to be done. I worried about your being able to fit into this environment but you have.” With U.V. you are just one more vegetable in the garden to be nurtured until ripe. There is no doubt that i would have hated the degree of “un specialness” not long ago. Now it is clearly appropriate and good to work with that need to be special. I struggle to understand him - his Dharma talks are so formatted (i used to call the talks at the Forest Refuge ‘laminated” because they were on laminated paper) - and his talks are strictly Theravada to the point of dogmatism. He looks down half of the time, reading notes that he has read for years. And yet - he is the real deal so this stuff does not really matter. He is clearly in the stream of the Dharma. He has Seen, no doubt about it and that is enough for me. i hope to return next year but there will be many events between then and now. And who can say about VB’s health or longevity?

2:50 vacuumed  this little area rug (my yoga mat) and mopped floor in entire Kuti - wiped the window sills clean - cleaned out old spider webs and tried not to disturb the spider. Washed dirty socks and underwear and washed VB from head to toe. Hot water felt wonderful. 

5:45 never let it be said that VB is a slouch when it comes to packing for HOME! All of what i did today could have been done tomorrow but i may try to go to the little internet place in the morning after interview with Sayalay,  The heat should be fairly tolerable at 10 am. Then sightsee on Saturday. Kuti #9 is one hell of a lot cleaner now from how i found it. Floors are decent to walk on and it smells so clean. 

Wrote check for all the pens, toilet paper, tissue, etc. plus dana for the two lunches. Giving $1000 dana to the center. Hope that is enough - had planned to give $600 but that does not feel right.

Tonight is another taped d.t. VB is - i guess is okay as he has ever been. Long Beach is a mystery now. Will VB get all involved again? Recording more music? Finishing the Bare Bones?  We’ll see. Want to finish these things but have no interest in getting hooked. 

9:36 Blown away. Literally. Sat at 8 pm and it seemed fairly normal, surprised to find center after all the cleaning, etc. but it was a nice surprise. Mind began to drift a little - not a lot, at least it didn’t seem that way - then came this Force. Cannot think of another word to describe it. it was powerful. it’s happened a couple of times before and probably i’ve described it - but this one was bigger - like it literally lifted consciousness from a lower plane to a higher one. It feels exactly like a force. For sure there was not VB intending anything and in fact i thought we were having a pretty good sit! The force was so powerful that i was knocked out of knowing where i was or even knowing my name. it was frightening but not terrifying if that makes any sense. For sure i was willing to be led. That phase where i was unable to know where i was lasted only about 20 seconds, 30 at most. The higher plane of consciousness did not change but the ‘i’ adjusted. Repeated “Victor” a few times and got oriented to Hall. This lasted for perhaps 10 minutes - mind went into thought just briefly and i swear the thing happened again!  It was as if there is a force that guides one out of the small conceptual self/reality. It happened a third time - all the while the mind was in a quiet, centered place. This state lasted for one hour. i couldn’t get up for another 10 minutes or so - at one point my hands which were clasped tightly together started shaking tremendously.  Really like a stroke.  

it’s as if some deeper self  “knows” that the retreat is ending and took over because more work needed to be done. i believe that that work was done beyond any understanding or even intention by this which thinks it has a name.  For heavens sakes. 

March 12   6:40 am  - - This work may take longer than  i first anticipated!   (That is a little VB humor.) Got up with 4 am bells, mind thinking about last night’s sit. Got to Hall early but walked some more and finally sat at 4:40. Mind resisted sitting - so strange! Everything constantly changes and yet i seem never to be able to accept that as a fact.  Today, i was certain there would be some connection to last night, instead at breakfast i found myself wanting to strangle two guys who were overcome by desire for food. According to the Theravada scheme i think i probably will need to hunker down for 7 more lifetimes!  Sometimes i wonder if the climb gets harder the higher one goes! Maybe it never gets easier for old souls (stream winners - once returners?) because the  “higher” up the mountain the greater the gravitational  pull. So maybe they have to struggle even harder  with the last vestiges of ancient ignorance.  It’s all amazing.       

4:40 pm - Amazing is as amazing does i guess. Whatever that means. (U.V. always stresses the “ever.”) I blew all my fuses, well a lot of them - perhaps when i look back i’ll be glad that i did this today rather than tomorrow. Walked to Lumbini village after interview with Sayalay. i really wanted to get an email to Cali - then I could do whatever sight seeing tomorrow. Even by 11:00 am it was HOT. i suspect that we are so sheltered here, inside the Hall or our rooms that we are not adjusted to the sun. Today’s 29c was no hotter than usual, but that sun! At any rate, by the time i reached the village - about a 30 minute walk - I was dying! i took an umbrella with me, thank the good Lord, and it made all the difference. At least i didn’t have a sun stroke! So i got to the little internet place and the guy sadly said that he had to close at 2pm today due to no power. There was a restaurant across what might be loosely be called the street. “The Three Foxes” and I saw a photo/internet/ lots of things shop. i decided to see if they had any power there and the guy said, “sure.”  This has something to do with business in Lumbini, birthplace of the Buddha but it is quite beyond me. So i went into the back room and the guy was great. He quickly figured out what he was dealing with (the mosquito net guy) and kept coming back and helping me. i got connected to Gmail and sent an email to Cali with LAX arrival info. Even that much conceptualization did my brain in plus i was already wilting from the heat. Sent a shorter note to Peg and went to the 3 Foxes. At 12 noon i was their only customer and it remained that way until i left. a surprisingly nice restaurant - upstairs, away from the chaos of Lumbini village.

Real coffee and delicious! i had a salad - sliced cucumbers on the outer circle, sliced tomatoes inside that and something like sliced radishes inner ring. Sliced carrots at the center  - thinly sliced scallion on each side and a slice of lemon. The coup do gras was a bowl of absolutely delicious tomato soup with croutons and melted cheese on top. On the way back I stopped at the sacred garden and sacred pool where the Buddha’s mother supposedly bathed before giving birth. Then I went to the site of his birth. It surely feels serious.

children at the sacred pool

the Buddha’s birthplace

5:30 pm opened my eyes for Dharma talk and discovered  . .  another recorded tape! Oh well

6:38 Thinking about Bodhidharma’s statement, “trust in things, not in self.”  (as U.V. talks on) it feels to me that it is one of the most radical statements I have ever considered.  “Things” are empty. They can teach us every moment. Trust that this recorded Dharma talk (which i cannot hear) is what it is supposed to be. VB’s reactions notwithstanding. 

6:50  little sparks of aversion at the edges of consciousness - amazingly very little. The tape will end in a few minutes, and this will vanish and some new reality will arise. Okay. 

9:20 pm - in bed, 2 candles burning on a little pedestal of Ch’an books. Usually have peed by now, but probably have to get up in 30 minutes or so. There has been a decided lessening of little mind in the sits. Observing this all day. it feels  like it’s just a normal progression of the practice.

Sayalay said - “you’re just at the place of pushing through. You must do it!” She added that it was too bad i didn’t have one more month here, but she thought i would not need nearly as much time next year - that i would be able to pick up where i left off.  We’ll see.  

Sits have been so strong since the kundalini  stabilized. i wonder how much of what i experience is kundalini related? Okay. Goodnight, sweet dreams. 

March 13 -  “It’s Bonetllo sprouts!” “ Mr. Stitwillow Mr. Stitwillow!”  “Kitty Kitty Kitty.”  i love these bird calls!   (took me a while to understand that this was not Sayalay calling for her cat.) 

1:25 pm - Sat at 5am had breakfast, did a little cleaning then went sightseeing from 8 to 10:00 am. Such a conglomeration of the sacred and profane.  VB is ready to end this and start the long journey home. 

Postscript

The night before leaving, U Vivekananda and Sayalay Bhadda Manika came to tell me that there was another national taxi strike. U.V wondered if i would be able to handle going to the airport in a rickshaw! i could only imagine. Fortunately, he came back to say that he had found a local guy who would drive me to the Bhairahawa airport. The only issue was that the man had to get back to Lumbini in time for work. Of course the lights were out that night so i got everything together in the light of one little candle and made my way in the dark to the dining room where the dear sweet nuns and the cook, who prepared some snacks,  were waiting to say goodbye. The guy came tearing up in a Toyota  and before i knew it we were careening, lurching toward the airport. I never even got the seat belt on! It was easily the most harrowing drive of my life - and put the first drive to Lumbini from the airport in the shade. By now it was a past 5 am.  When we arrived at the airport - the gate blocking the entryway was closed, and the sign indicated that the airport did not open until 6 or perhaps 7 am.  The guy left me standing there and sped off toward Lumbin after I gave him a payment that perhaps matched his  inconvenience. There i stood  at the closed gate with one huge suitcase, a smaller one plus a duffle bag in the dark.

As i stood there in the dark with a deserted street filled with run-down, dilapidated, sheltered shops across the way, i desperately wanted there to be some some other reality rather than this bleak situation. i sat for two months for this?  i wanted someone to come up and say, “hey everything will be just fine!”  But then i remembered Bodhidharma’s teaching, ‘Trust in things, not in self.”  Immediately, there was not one single problem in my life.

A tea shop opened perhaps three or four hours later - and the men in the shop were fascinated by this foreigner standing there all alone with all his belongings. They insisted on buying him a cup of tea.

on their way to grab some bananas, just behind Kuti #9

All photography in this essay is by Victor Byrd.